Obama and Matthews Tango on Hardball

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Tonight, President Barack Obama. Let’s play Hardball.

OBAMA: Hello, Chris. Hey, you ever see someone about your ADHD problem?

MATTHEWS: Too busy. Sir, recently I criticized you pretty harshly. You came on anyway. I’d like to kiss and make up.

[from off screen]

MICHELLE: You keep your distance, buddy boy. I’m watching.

MATTHEWS: Yes’m. Sir, rumor is you cut the Asia trip short for clandestine meetings with the Supercommittee.

OBAMA: Not true, Chris. I returned earlier, but for a more important reason than rescuing our economy: I wanted to save the NBA season, and in so doing show the world I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.

MATTHEWS: You’re involved in the negotiations?

OBAMA: Hush-hush summit at Camp David. Reverend Jackson and Secretary of State Clinton were my lead mediators. Kobe Bryant and David Stern agreed to represent their constituents.

MATTHEWS: Any luck, sir?

OBAMA: Day One: Kobe and Clinton hashed things out in the Rosebud Cabin, while Jesse and Stern went head-to-head in Dogwood. Jesse was marvelous. He told Stern, “You better be tryin’ or Kobe’s not buyin’ and I ain’t lyin’.” Day Two: multilateral teleconference via secure video uplink in Laurel Lodge’s meeting room.

MATTHEWS: Participants?

OBAMA: Our mediators, the Commissioner, owners, player reps, lawyers, and team mascots.

MATTHEWS: Results?

OBAMA: Opposing parties agreed to terms and ratified a Memorandum of Understanding. Tomorrow, I’ll host a nationally televised bilateral ceremony in the Presidential Cabin, Aspen Lodge. Kobe and Mr. Stern will sign a pact ending hostilities.

MATTHEWS: A real coup, sir. On another matter, the AP’s reporting you’ve asked Bill Ayers to serve as a Cabinet-level children’s advocate.

OBAMA: Correct, Chris. He’ll be charged with ensuring that kids use their school-day down time productively. For example, principals will provide a drop-in call center where students can come when they’re free and phone area residents to remind them to vote for the Democrat of their choice.

MATTHEWS: Ayers won’t be confirmed, sir.

OBAMA: It’ll be a, uh, recess appointment, Chris.

MATTHEWS: Ah. Sir, the FCC suspended Fox News‘s broadcast license. Why?

OBAMA: Roger Ailes refused my request for air time to address the country’s K-8 pupils, depriving our littlest citizens of their First Amendment right to be propagandized.

MATTHEWS: Why’d he fuss over a lousy ten minute spiel?

OBAMA: Actually, Chris, I’ll spend a half-hour every Tuesday morning talking to kids in their classrooms.

MATTHEWS: Live?

OBAMA: God no. Tuesday’s a golf day. As is every day. Unless it’s raining. Then I tape segments for Tuesdays with the President. We have ten in the can already.

MATTHEWS: About what?

OBAMA: I’ll chat with youngsters on topics relevant to them, such as “Child labor laws and household chores,” “Gender bias in allowance allocations,” and “The previous administration’s continuing failures.” The First Lady’s taped one entitled, “Pet nutrition: animals are people, too.”

MATTHEWS: If teachers ignore you and continue their lessons?

OBAMA: A no-no. DNC Chair Wasserman Schultz will seed every classroom with informers, from steeped-in-the-womb progressive moppets to pre-pubescent Teamster wannabes. The balkers won’t be happy with their schedules next year.

MATTHEWS: Why are you devoting so much time to schools, Mr. President?

OBAMA: I’ve lost the adults, Chris. Adolescents too, most likely. Unemployment, the national debt, sheer incompetence. According to our pollsters, however, children up to around twelve remain innocent and trusting.

MATTHEWS: So, they’re your fallback constituency–a captive audience monitored by loyal Democrats and their union bosses. But sir… they can’t vote.

OBAMA: Not yet, Chris. Soon. Americans who’ve attained the age of reason yet are denied the vote represent the largest class of disenfranchised citizens in our country. We’re going to correct that injustice before next November.

MATTHEWS: Never get through Congress, sir.

OBAMA: We’re laying the groundwork, Chris. When classes resume after the holidays, ACORN will establish APSCO chapters in every K-8 school in America.

MATTHEWS: APSCO?

OBAMA: Association of Preteen School Community Organizers. Sort of an ACORN children’s auxiliary.

MATTHEWS: The goal?

OBAMA: To demand that Congress pass an amendment to 1993’s Motor Voter Law, allowing K-8 kids to register and vote in their buildings. While Speaker Boehner laughs himself silly, Justice will file a writ with the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals arguing the earlier legislation encompasses these rights.

MATTHEWS: Should fly with that bunch. Then what?

OBAMA: APSCO representatives from each grade will be granted release time to register their schoolmates. On Election Day, they’ll escort the newly enfranchised to the voting machines in the cafeteria.

MATTHEWS: Almost outta time, sir. How about I say something brief, you respond in a few words.

OBAMA: Okay.

MATTHEWS: Issa; “Fast and Furious.”

OBAMA: Kiss my a**a; it’s spurious.

MATTHEWS: Your personal campaign slogan for next year.

OBAMA: I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take this anymore.

MATTHEWS: Um, forgive me, sir. For the cause.

[pokes President twice in eyes with his fingers, Three Stooges style]

OBAMA: OW! OW!

MATTHEWS: You heard it here, OWS’ers. Vocal support from the President. And here comes the Secret Service. That’s Hardball for now, or maybe a long time.