My Temporary Embrace of Palinphobia

I’ve decided to embrace my repressed hostility toward the Palin clan. I want to see what it’s like on the other side of the ‘Cuda divide. Humor me now:

This recent picture of Sarah Palin on a trip to Haiti really chaps my ass:

Can you believe Palin has the gall to actually adjust her hair while on an allegedly humanitarian trip to Haiti this week? And look at her legs crossed like that… like a freaking man. This is complete disrespect for the Haitian people, not to mention that showing the bottom of your shoe to other people is considered rude in many cultures… this is an insult to the entire world. I’m not surprised; par for the course for this malevolent assclown. At least the woman on the right has her legs crossed properly with the bottom of her sandal turned respectfully away from the other people in her group. She must not be a Palin. You don’t see her messing with her hair. Why can’t she run for president instead of Sarah?

Let me pass a little message along to Genocide Barbie: when you’re in a third world country and people are suffering and one of your strands of over-styled, totally-lame, non-Ivy League hair falls out of place, leave it alone! It’s not the time or place to be so damn self-obsessed, you vile monster. You’re an embarrassment to the entire country. Remove the ‘l’ from your last name and it spells “Pain”… rearrange the letters and it spells “Plain”… your first name is from the Old Testament, when bears would eat children and men had donkey genitals. You’re a disaster no matter how you slice it.

Amazingly, Bristol has on that scarf thingy which is totally not American and from some other culture that is undoubtedly much more exotic and interesting than America with all its fat ass Big Mac-inhaling Bible thumpers… so I will grudgingly give her some points for that–with a strong caveat, of course: Bristol probably has no idea where that scarf is from. She is no doubt clueless of its cultural significance and how each strand was most certainly created by grossly underpaid units of oppressed third world labor under the jackboot of American imperialism. These people are utterly sinister in their ignorance.

Now to Todd, or should we call him Cletus?: what NASCAR track did he just walk off of? You simply must question the judgment of a guy who would want to talk to Sarah much less marry her. I bet a real woman, one who attended a private university and enjoys Sri Lankan saffron cappuccinos and arugula omelettes would repulse him. He is obviously only happy with a gun moll/sociopath by his side. Can you imagine their love life? I’m sure firearms are a regular feature of their dirty talk; yep, they’re about as predictable as a Mötley Crüe lyric.

I seriously doubt the Palins are in Haiti for any other purpose than to promote themselves and perhaps scout locations to build some sort of factory that will oppress workers and suck capital into their offshore bank accounts. This is what people like them do. They exploit. They pillage. They destroy societies. They quite simply are annihilating our nation and our culture, and mouth-breathing Neanderthals from trailer parks and homes under $300k all across the country support it. Think about it… the fall of the traditional news media coincides directly with the rise of this hillbilly, Marshall’s-shopping clan from Alaska, a state that frankly, well, sucks ass. Are any Academy Award winning actors from Alaska? Has anyone from Alaska won a Nobel Peace Prize? I rest my case. I bet these Deliverance-worshipping weirdos have never even been in Nieman-Marcus or driven a 5-series Beemmer. Pathetic.

When Sarah Palin isn’t out massacring innocent animals, either by assassinating an innocent caribou, chopping the heads off of fish for fun, or taking part in a turkey holocaust by feeding them snood-first into a sadistic poultry guillotine, she’s giving the rest of the world the one finger salute through her vanity and cultural ignorance. The really scary part about it is that people actually think she’s some sort of avatar for America.

I weep for our country.