[Cabinet Room, White House, January 3, 2011]
OBAMA: All right, folks. Let’s begin. After your recess appointments to the Cabinet two weeks ago, I gave you all free rein while I was incommunicado playing golf in Ireland. Tell me what you’ve accomplished. We’ll start with . . . Defense.
DENNIS KUCINICH: I’ve mothballed the fleet and grounded the Air Force, sir. Uniformed services will be mustered out by next month. Our enemies now understand we mean business when we say we want peace.
OBAMA: Good. I still need protection against a national uprising. How’s recruitment going for my Civilian National Security Force?
KUCINICH: The first units are scheduled to graduate from Nation of Islam Training Center on Parris Island in the spring, sir.
OBAMA: Fine. Oh, Dennis, a revenue idea: hold a carrier back and retrofit it as a ”cruise warship.” Incorporate “DoD Vacations Unlimited” to tap the niche of travelers who want to tour world trouble spots like Somalia in comfort and safety. Uh, State?
CINDY SHEEHAN: With respect, sir, your plan to eliminate America’s nuclear arsenal was a pathetic, empty gesture. Instead, Secretary Kucinich and I are promoting peace and prosperity through managed nuclear proliferation. We’ve distributed our entire stock of doomsday weapons proportionally to every non-nuclear country on earth.
KUCINICH: Now that everyone possesses the bomb, pressure to settle even minor disagreements will be enormous, lest miscalculation lead to mutual annihilation.
SHEEHAN: Also, with nukes, you don’t need standing armies or warships. Arms races currently impoverishing scores of nations will cease, and dictators will spend their peace dividend on the poor.
OBAMA: Impeccable logic. NSA?
MAXINE WATERS: State notified the newest NATO members they’re out of the alliance, sir. And Secretary Kucinich has advised Putin to reconstitute the Warsaw Pact, forcibly, if necessary. We were never safer than when Soviet satellite states in Eastern Europe checked American Imperialism.
OBAMA: Excellent. In the same vein, let’s work with China to keep Japan from becoming militaristic; we don’t need another Asian power with world designs again. CIA . . . what’s showing up on your radar?
JOSEPH WILSON: Can’t talk, sir. My suit against the Agency is pending.
OBAMA: Gotcha . . . Deputy Director?
MARKOS MOULITSAS: Iran’s nuked Tel Aviv, North Korea’s invaded South Korea, and Chavez has seized our oil rigs in the Gulf. Otherwise, everything’s quiet, sir.
OBAMA: Gibbs, issue this statement: “All sides bear some responsibility for these events.” Homeland Security?
BARBARA BOXER: I’ve listed America as a state sponsor of terrorism, sir, making it illegal for U. S. arms manufacturers to sell to us. And I continue to monitor the NSA and CIA to assure that neither agency abrogates the rights of al Qaeda sleepers in the U. S.
OBAMA: Good thinking, Madame Secretary.
BOXER: Please don’t call me “Madame,” Barry. I’ve worked so hard for this title.
OBAMA: Sorry, Director. Let’s move to domestic now. Health and Human Services?
DR. KEVORKIAN: We’re into Stage One of ObamaCare, pouring resources into the undocumented citizen community, sir. Once they’re healthy, we’ll shift them into general coverage and begin Stage Two: transforming hospitals and clinics into death traps through staff cuts and underfunding. These measures will reduce the strain on facilities and ease population pressures, too.
OBAMA: Faster, please.
KEVORKIAN: We can attrit physicians further by making them federal employees and capping their salaries.
OBAMA: Smart. They’ll quit in droves when they become underpaid government bureaucrats. Replace them with minimum wage, non-English speaking graduates of internet medical schools based in Honduras and Uzbekistan.
KEVORKIAN: I’ve already established ObamaCare help centers in Pakistan staffed by Dell tech line rejects, Mr. President. You can almost hear it: “Yes yes, I am trying to help you, sir. You must return the defective kidney before we can send you a new one. But, but, you are speaking to the supervisor.”
OBAMA: OK. HUD?
ROSIE O’DONNELL: Our ”Homeless Eradication Initiative” now includes feral cats, sir. I recommend giving the ASPCA cabinet rank.
OBAMA: Noted. Transportation?
RALPH NADER: There’s no constitutional right to a car, Mr. President. I’ve issued an executive order in your name banning individual ownership of vehicles beyond 2012, when traveling by mass transit–whether or not it exists–becomes compulsory. We’ll ease the pain with a federal auto buy-back program. You’ll take a hit, sir.
OBAMA: Hey, you can’t make an Obamalet without breaking eggs. Treasury?
PAUL KRUGMAN: You always do the opposite of what I advise, sir, so I object to a tax on air.
OBAMA: I’ll consider it. Justice?
RAMSEY CLARK: I’m going after the perpetrators of the war on bugs, sir. The wholesale slaughter, the –insecticide–waged worldwide by American chemical companies and agribusiness is an offense against common decency.
OBAMA: Agreed. Shut down Monsanto and Du Pont. Agriculture, put a ”Pest Relocation” program in place before the fall harvest. HUD, produce a pamphlet for homeowners: ”Living with Your Little Guests.” OMB?
JESSE JACKSON: My team of forensic anthropological economists has calculated in today’s dollars the value of slaves’ labor up to Emancipation. We’ll move on reparations whenever you say, sir.
[enter First Lady]
MICHELLE: Fast-track Reverend Farrakhan’s appointment as Vatican Ambassador. I can’t wait to see his X men mix it up with the Swiss Guard . You hear me, Barack?
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