The White House
Office of the Press Secretary
September 23, 2010
Press Conference by President Obama
8:03 P.M. EDT
THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. I have several announcements.
Today, federal marshals delivered George W. Bush to The Hague for his war crimes trial next month. Attorney General Holder will cooperate fully with the tribunal. My message to the world: even American presidents are not above international law.
Next, I will sign the “Voting Booth Transparency Act” when it reaches my desk on Tuesday.
Beginning in November, this long-overdue amendment to the “Freedom of Information Act” (FOIA) will rip away the veil of secrecy surrounding the act of voting. Citizens will mark and sign their ballots before witnesses, and this information will become part of the public record.
Your friends, relatives, neighbors, union bosses, and SEIU thugs have a right to know if you voted the way they wanted you to or the way you said you would. The days of isolated cubicles and anonymous marks on generic ballots are over.
At this time, I’d like to recognize Prince Nouria El-Aziz, my new White House Counselor on U. S.-Islamic relations. [pointing] He’s the fellow in traditional Saudi dress standing against the wall next to Rahm Emanuel. [El-Aziz bows to the president; Obama bows back]
His Majesty, King Abdullah Bin Abdul-Aziz, honors me by assigning one of his 403 nephews to be his eyes and ears in the West Wing.
Now, uh, normally, I’d take two planted questions, ramble aimlessly in response, then call it quits.
However . . . earlier this week I received a letter from Miss Pearson’s third grade class at Wilson Elementary in Boston, and it reads, [looks at note] “Dear Mr. President, Some of us kids think you filibuster the first couple of questions at your press conferences to run out the clock. Others believe you’re just naturally long-winded. Would you settle the argument? Thanks, Billy Jankowski, Class Secretary.”
In fact, Billy, you kids have me pegged–both sides are right. So, tonight I think I’ll shake things up by taking four questions, none of them planted. And the TelePrompter is “off.”
I’ll begin with, uh, [looks away, stabs finger at seating chart] Farid.
Q: Thank you Mr. President. Farid Moradi, Tehran Times. Any progress in reining in Israel’s nuclear weapons program?
THE PRESIDENT: Unfortunately, no. I offered to eliminate our entire stock of warheads if Israel disposed of theirs. Netanyahu refused outright. He said I was going to do it anyway. What could I say?
I also proposed an American-Israeli nuclear non-aggression pact: we’d agree not to come to their aid if they’re attacked with nuclear weapons, and they’d agree not to come to our aid if we’re attacked. Netanyahu nixed that, too.
There is some good news. George Mitchell, my special envoy to the region, tells me Iranian President Ahmadinejad is so focused on building an atomic bomb, he’s cut back on mischief-making in Iraq and Afghanistan. To encourage such behavior, I’ve offered to share “clean nuke” technology with Iran, and the Mullahs appear receptive. This could be a breakthrough. After all, neutron bombs are good for the environment.
[stabs chart again] Damn! Uh, Jake.
Q. Jake Tapper, ABC NEWS. Sir, smuggled tapes out of Iran show protestors having their eyes gouged out, fingernails pulled, and their genitals shocked with electric cattle prods. Does this bother you?
THE PRESIDENT: Jake, I will not denigrate the culture of another country’s secret police. That said, I did ask Director Panetta if he had evidence Iran was waterboarding. He said that, by all accounts, they seemed to prefer jet skiing, surfing, and para-sailing. That’s fine. I don’t care what they do, as long as it’s not waterboarding.
Um, Martin.
Q. Martin Crapslinger, Associated Press. Sir, there are troubling instances of prosperity in the country despite your best efforts. Are you going to get the IRS involved in ferreting out the winners, who are not bearing their fair share of the suffering?
THE PRESIDENT: Martin, let me be frank: I will not tolerate any business which profits at the expense of its competitors. Such behavior the previous administration condoned, even as our economy sped through the last turn at 110 mph, spun out, rolled over, and sailed off the cliff into the chasm, from which my team and I have almost winched that baby back onto the road.
Last question. Uh, Jay.
Q. Jay Nordlinger, National Review. Care for a little language, sir? Your speech mannerisms are making pundits yearn for Bush 43. How will you counter the widening perception of a presidential fluency gap?
THE PRESIDENT: Uh, I reject your premise, Jay, whatever it is. But let me be unspeakably clear: for too long, as I’ve said repeatedly, I’ve been criticized for my so-called verbal eccentricities, and yes, my advisers want me to converse like a regular guy, so I’m trying to change, but make no mistake, change isn’t as easy as some folks say, it won’t happen overnight, and I will not be held hostage to anyone’s expectations.
By the way, I’ll continue to say “Pockeeston” because I like the way it rolls off my tongue. And if you hear me using the expression, “press corpse,” don’t assume it was an error.
Thank you very much.
COMMENTS
Please let us know if you're having issues with commenting.