OBAMA: The party’s hemorrhaging elderly voters over ObamaCare despite Andy Griffith‘s help. And even the Times says the plan’s numbers don’t add up. What now? David?
AXELROD: Two tracks, sir. Short term, lure seniors back. We need their votes in November to keep the Senate, at least. Long term, address the program’s fiscal time bomb.
OBAMA: OK. How do we get Democrats bragging to oldsters about their support for the “Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act”? HHS?
SEBELIUS: Sir, announce that attorneys reviewing the law have determined that language in Part 3, Sec 1141, (a), (1) suggests seniors’ pets may be considered ”partners,” and therefore eligible for health insurance as dependents of covered humans.
JOE BIDEN: Nice! But . . . who’d, uh, vet the claims? Hahahahaha.
OBAMA: Be quiet, Joe. Remember, Hillary’s in the wings. Whaddya think, Tim?
GEITHNER: Too costly, sir . . . unless the only treatment option for animals was to put them down.
LARRY SUMMERS: That works for me. Even so, there’s just enough scratch in the budget we haven’t passed yet to euthanize felines. Dogs will have to wait.
OBAMA: Agreed. Let’s call the subsidiary program “Medicat.” “Peticare” sounds too . . . inclusive. Other ideas to energize old folks? Nancy?
PELOSI: How about a “Cash for Clunker Body Parts” promotion, sir? “Replace your worn-out hip or liver, get a $5,000 rebate from Uncle Sam.”
OBAMA: Good! Funding, let’s say two billion. Limited time offer. Tim, write the bill with Waxman, and make the application procedure impossibly complicated. Last thing we want is a run on the organ banks.
GEITHNER: Yes, sir. Nobody will actually qualify. Then you can brag about two billion you saved taxpayers.
BIDEN: I dunno, Boss. Every time we do something to help this ObamaCare rat puke go down like oatmeal, support declines. We need professional help. How ’bout hiring a New York ad agency to pitch our proposals like they were peanut butter or Depends?
OBAMA: Hmmm. Madisonian Avenue Democracy. Jefferson would gag. Well, he’s dead. Eric, tell a top firm to take on selling our pets and body parts initiatives or face a DOJ probe. Now, the finance problem. Rahm?
EMANUEL: Axe is right, sir. We’re looking at a fiscal train wreck because people are living longer and consuming medical resources into their nineties.
PELOSI: Well then, after November, let’s incentivize death. I’ll have one of my congressional automatons propose legislation halving the death tax for anyone who voluntarily passes away prematurely. Harry, you run with it in the Senate. Reverend?
JESSE JACKSON: What?
PELOSI: We’ll need some Johnnie Cochran word play for ads.
JACKSON: Oh. How about, ”Early croak, kin won’t go broke,” or, ”Take a fall, kids get it all.”
BIDEN: Get Hillary’s ghostwriter on it: It Takes an Early Grave to Save the Village.
HARRY REID: Following up on Nancy’s suggestion, sir: in December, speak from the Oval Office about the imminent bankruptcy of convalescent homes across the country. Announce their nationalization. Cast it as an urgent measure to stave off an economic and humanitarian catastrophe.
BIDEN: I gotcha! Then we run ’em like Third World clinics to boost death rates.
OBAMA: Hmm–a riff on Roach Motels: they “check in, but they don’t check out.” Sebelius, work with Pelosi and Reid on the legislation. Do a backroom deal to get the AMA on board–tell ’em we’ll consider tort reform if they cooperate [snort].
SEBELIUS: A bonus, sir: HHS will pick up costs for deceased residents’ funerals–secular only, of course. That’ll give you civil rites street cred.
HOWARD DEAN: After midterms, we should have a national conversation on end-of-life options, sir. Hey Leon, what’s your view on euthanasia?
PANETTA: Um, they’re highly susceptible to al Qaeda recruitment, especially in Jakarta. You should see the reports I’m getting…
EMANUEL: Howard, Leon’s special. Tease him again and I’ll rip your heart out and eat it in front of your family, Chicago-style.
OBAMA: No squabbling; time’s short. Valerie, hush-hush, ask Jack Kevorkian to be our National Health Care Czar. And I want Michael Moore as the program’s ombudsmean.
BIDEN: Good moves, Boss. No more coddlin’ after the elections. Throw the fear ‘o God into the geezers. Tell ’em straight up: you’re the One. You can cut Medicare and privatize Social Security with a word; sic the IRS on their kids; tax their Roth money retroactively. They cross you and you got two years plus to nail their skinny old butts.
[enter First Lady]
MICHELLE: I just talked with Rosalynn Carter. I want you to put “Comparable Worth for First Ladies” at the top of your agenda. You hear me, Barack?
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