Democratic National Committee

Minutes, Oval Office Meeting

Sept 1, 2010

MEMBERS PRESENT

Tim Kaine, Chairman

Howard Dean, Chairman Emeritus Idiotis

Rep. Dennis Kucinich, DNC mascot

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker pro tempore

Harry Reid, Majority Leader

Senator Charles Schumer

Katie Couric, Network Liaison

Eric Boehlert, Media Matters

Keith Olbermann, DNC Cable Guy

ALSO PRESENT

Rahm Emanuel, WH Chief of Staff

Michael Moore, fabulist

George Soros, DNC Sugar Daddy

President Obama

John Zogby, pollster

James Clyburn, CBC observer

Unidentified Hamas Observer

Proceedings:

Chairman Kaine called the meeting to order at 7:00 p. m. in the Oval Office after aides fetched a booster seat for Mr. Kucinich and removed American flags from the room per request Mr. Moore and Mr. Soros.

President Obama left, pleading a golf date.

Minutes of last month’s meeting were amended to remove unsettling references to what mid-term elections portended. Motion to Approve. Accepted.

New Business:

1. Mr. Kaine asked for fresh ideas to increase Democratic Party vote totals in November.

Mr. Dean suggested expansion of the 2008 “Dead Pool” pilot program, noting that dead Democrats outnumber dead Republicans by 2 to 1.

Majority Leader Reid agreed, urging the Party to nationalize its urban get-out-the-dead vote operations.

Ms. Couric said friendly media would immediately begin a campaign to frame incorporeality as a disability, not a disqualification.

Senator Schumer will sponsor legislation halting disenfranchisement of the disembodied and restoring the Founders’ original intent of “one dead man, one vote.”

Speaker Pelosi pledged that “the passed would no longer be passed over.” She expressed concern that many Democrats were dying every day and taking their votes with them.

Mr. Soros proposed that he buy “phooneral” parlors in Democratic strongholds throughout the country, so “ven dey go, ve know.”

Mr. Dean advised the Committee to have DNC attorneys monitor morgues in those cities to counter Republican shenanigans.

Speaker Pelosi urged the Committee to adopt a plank supporting the next stage in entitlements: eternal Social Security and Medicare.

Katie Couric will channel Betty Friedan and ask her to found the League of Dead Women Voters.

Eric Boehlert committed Media Matters to produce and distribute ten million Johnnie Cochranized bumper stickers: ”If you’ve gone and died, don’t be denied.”

Motion to approve all measures related to the “Dead Vote Project.” Accepted.

2. Mr. Dean expressed concern about the enthusiasm of the Republican Party’s base.

Ms. Couric advocated preemptive voter suppression, with the networks running stories implying there isn’t a nickel’s worth of difference between the parties and candidates.

Mr. Moore offered to produce and star in a series of TV spots endorsing Republicans.

Mr. Kucinich will appeal to the little people and Munchkins to come home to the party.

Mr. Zogby will run a national poll next week with this question: “Would you be more likely or less likely to vote for Republicans when you learn that they’ve sabotaged the president’s efforts to revive the economy?

Motion to approve voter-suppression recommendations. Accepted.

3. Majority Leader Reid asked for an update on the Committee’s efforts to compromise the right’s leading voices.

Mr. Olbermann apologized to the Committee for not meeting his August slander quota. This month he’s targeting Ingraham, Breitbart, Glenn Reynolds, Hannity, and Mallard Fillmore. He’s told his PIs he wants stuff on these individuals “pronto.”

Mr. Moore reports that our friend at the skin-magazine-that-must-not-be-named-but-whose-title-rhymes-with-“rustler” has put together a list of Republican targets, is checking it twice, and will get it to the Committee well before Christmas.

4. Mr. Emanuel reported that SEIU and UAW Rapid Response Force units he recruited and trained are now available to help candidates manage their town hall meetings. He thanked Mr. Soros for underwriting the cost.

On request, RRF squads will be dispatched to selected town hall meetings to:

a. Confiscate, at the door, negative signs, recording devices and cell phones

b. Screen attendees for party affiliation

c. Assure audiences are racially and ethnically balanced

d. Collect and vet questions before the meeting begins

e. Assault anyone who interrupts candidates with anything but approbation

Agents will wear distinctive black T-shirts with a smiling President Obama on the front, and on the back, the logo, ”Yes, we can! Hurt you.”

Mr. Emanuel emphasized there was no charge for this service, but, he said, “One day, I might tap a congressman on the shoulder and say, ”I need a favor.”

5. Motion to adjourn. Approved.

Respectfully submitted,

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Recording Secretary of State