GIBBS: Good evening. On our broadcast tonight:
- Miracle in Detroit–First Sharia law zone in nation records falling crime rates as word of amputations spreads.
- Voters heard–Congress unanimously passes tern limits bill, setting seasonal daily bag at ten.
- Gimme shelter–Hovel-ready projects to provide corrugated cardboard dwellings for urban homeless.
- And finally, Gray Lady Gray — New York Times to boost circulation with Sunday photo feature: “Op-Ed Beauties–Babes of the Times.”
Those stories and more later. But first, Obama senior advisor David Axelrod joins us from Chicago shortly after being questioned by the FBI about former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich’s disappearance. Welcome, sir.
AXELROD: Thanks for having me on, Bob.
GIBBS: Any word on Blagojevich, David?
AXELROD: Who?
GIBBS: Never mind. Rumor is the Obamas will extend their stay on Martha’s Vineyard by two weeks. True?
AXELROD: Yes, Bob. With state-of-the-art communications, the president can avoid his responsibilities wherever he is. Doesn’t matter to him at all.
GIBBS: But so many Americans are suffering while he parties on. Doesn’t it look bad?
AXELROD: Not really, Bob. The economy’s affected the Obamas, too. They’re serving wagyu burgers instead of wagyu steaks at barbecues they’ve hosted on the island. Also, Mrs. Obama sent the sushi chef back to the White House after she cancelled the Navy’s morning Bluefin Tuna flight from Tokyo.
GIBBS: You’ve said publicly the First Couple must live like regular people when they get back to D. C. What were you thinking?
AXELROD: I told them, cut back on restaurant and movie outings that shut down entire cities. Eat in with a few dozen friends and watch films in your own theater, like ordinary Americans on a budget. And forget commissioning a new presidential yacht until your second term.
GIBBS: Ouch. That’s gonna leave a mark!
AXELROD: It’s just the beginning of the “common man” theme, Bob. The day after he returns to the White House, the president and vice president will begin painting the North Portico.
GIBBS: Painting . . . as in ladder and brush?
AXELROD: Yes. And there’s more. For President Obama’s meeting with the Canadian prime minister in Ottawa in late September, I booked him on Jet Blue, economy class, into Detroit. After a layover, he’ll fly to Ottawa on a ten seat “puddle jumper.” I advised him to bring a snack.
GIBBS: His entourage is huge. How are they all going to fit into a small plane?
AXELROD: Air Force One will transport the president’s Secret Service detail and the rest of his team. Remember, they’re not the ones with a PR problem.
GIBBS: I imagine the Obamas will take fewer vacations away from now on and visit Camp David more often.
AXELROD: Afraid not, Bob. Camp David’s been shuttered until the president’s reelection. I’ve always felt that it looked like some Russian poohbah’s palatial country dacha, and that won’t play right now.
GIBBS: Does it get any worse?
AXELROD: Here’s some good news. Next month we’re running a “Meet-the-Obamas-for lunch-on-the-Truman-Balcony” national lottery for Thursday, October 7. Anyone who’s been in the country at least a week is eligible.
GIBBS: This is good news?
AXELROD: It blows Biden’s regular Thursday lunch with the president out of the water. Joe can buy a ticket like anyone else if he wants a shot at keeping his spot that week. I hear Hillary’s already bought her ducat.
GIBBS: I see. Let me quiz you on several unrelated matters. Word’s out the First Lady is converting the Eisenhower Executive Office Building to condos for her relatives. Is this so?
AXELROD: Yes, Bob. The president complains he can’t take a step any more without tripping over one of her cousins in the Residence. When the issue of the EEOB comes up, we just say, “historic restoration” and leave it to the press corps not to report the rest.
GIBBS: How’s the president’s blind trust doing?
AXELROD: Very well, and thanks for asking, Bob. I’m always telling him that moving his portfolio to precious metals on November 5, 2008 was prescient. Who says he doesn’t understand the market? There’s a reason he got into Punahou.
GIBBS: Finally, Iran. Some of our sources tell us the Iranians already possess one Hiroshima-level bomb which now sits atop a missile aimed at Tel Aviv.
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AXELROD: We’re aware of the intelligence, Bob. I can assure the American people our forces in the region are prepared to act the instant President Obama issues orders.
GIBBS: Giving the lie to wingnuts who say the president doesn’t have the cojones for preemption.
AXELROD: Correct, Bob. We will not hesitate to take out Israel’s air force should it appear ready to launch an unprovoked attack on Iran before diplomacy has run its course. Which, of course, could take decades. Centuries, even…
GIBBS: Dangerous times. David Axelrod, please come again–Inshallah, as the president is fond of saying.
AXELROD: Inshallah, to you too, Bob. And get used to it.
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