JIM LEHRER: Good evening. President Obama returned to the Gulf Coast for an hour this afternoon to comfort a pelican that lost its mate during the recent unimaginable ecological catastrophe selfishly caused by private enterprise. He also quaffed a quart of seawater to quash rumors Gulf water is unsafe to drink. Aides said the small tar ball he coughed up later was harmless.

JEFFREY BROWN: On the NewsHour tonight:

Homeless pet population explodes as the Bush Recession lingers.

Disney World shifts operations to Martha’s Vineyard for First Family’s stay.

And finally, Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward talks with Judy Woodruff about his informant in the West Wing.

LEHRER: Forget the lineup, Jeff. Let’s hear about the mole. Judy, you start.

WOODRUFF: Thanks, Jim. Carl, how long have you cultivated this source?

WOODWARD: Uh, it’s Bob, Judy. Without getting specific, since January I’ve met this person the first Thursday of every month at 6:00 p. m. in a stall in the women’s restroom at a Starbucks half a block east of the State Department. Each time she’s given me a carry-on bag stuffed with copies of top-secret memoranda, policy drafts, and audio tapes and transcripts of strategy meetings

WOODRUFF: Her code name?

WOODWARD: “Deep Tote.”

WOODRUFF: What’s the president’s state of mind lately, Mr. Bernstein?

WOODWARD: It’s Woodward, Judy. Bernstein and I don’t speak anymore. The president is frustrated and angry; he believes he’s lefted the ship and received no credit.

WOODRUFF: “Lefted” the ship?

WOODWARD: The president’s can’t bring himself to say, “righted” the ship. Anyway, he’s short with his staff and often refuses to take urgent calls from General Petraeus and Bill Ayers.

WOODRUFF: Will Martha’s Vineyard be completely evacuated to allow the First Family privacy?

WOODWARD: Ugly rumor, Judy. Friends of the Obamas who maintain homes on the island may stay.

WOODRUFF: The audio clip you brought, sir?

WOODWARD: A strategy session last week in the Oval Office. The First Lady chaired until the president arrived.

WOODRUFF: Let’s listen while we roll the transcript on screen.

MICHELLE: We’re getting nailed for letting the Bush tax cuts expire.

RAHM EMANUEL: I commissioned the Huffington Post to poll 30 billionaires on the issue. Eighty percent favor our position. The networks will lead with that tonight.

DAVID AXELROD: Ask HuffPo to release internals only to the CIA. Gibbsy, defer press inquiries about the poll to Panetta. Leon, you say the CIA can’t comment.

PANETTA: About what?

MICHELLE: Never mind. Any way to avoid looking like royalty on the Vineyard?


AXELROD: I’ll arrange a small oil spill off Oak Bluffs. Reporters situated some distance away will film you rescuing lifelike seabirds from the muck. Also, the president will be photographed clearing wild arugula near your estate.

MICHELLE: Good. Rahm, hire local handymen to throw up a shack nearby and stock it with poor people from Haiti. Ask Habitat for Humanity to come in and renovate. Barack and I will pound nails with them for the cameras before we head to the beach.

[enter the president]

OBAMA: Hey, who called this meeting?

MICHELLE: What happened with Tiger?

OBAMA: I was beating him. He got mad and left mid-round.

EMANUEL: Sir, our party is in open revolt, the mosque issue’s blown up in our face, Holder’s declared war on the CIA, and Russian troops just invaded the Aleutians.

OBAMA: So how does that affect my golf game?

AXELROD: Your presidency is at risk, sir. I called Sarah Palin in Wasilla and she said she could see the Russians from her house. You need to act.

OBAMA: Fine. Can’t take ten minutes off. Tell Democrats who run away from me I’ll visit their districts every week until Election Day. And issue this final comment on the mosque: “The president believes strongly, both ways.” What else?

VALERIE JARRETT: The Russians, sir?

OBAMA: Oh. [punches button on red phone] Vladimir? Listen, I am very sorry for whatever we did that provoked your aggression. Absolutely. Thank you. [hangs up] That went well. He’ll bring the matter to the Security Council in the near future.

EMANUEL: Nicely done, sir. By the way, where’s the guy with the launch codes. I haven’t seen him in a week.

MICHELLE: The officer with a suitcase? I sent him back to the Pentagon.

OBAMA: But . . . .

MICHELLE: Face it, Hoss. Under no circumstances would you ever retaliate with nuclear weapons against anybody for any reason. Morally, you’re comfortable having America stand down. You hear me, Barack?

WOODRUFF: Amazing. Thanks for sharing with us, Mr. Woodstein. One last question: did your source cancel her regular meeting with you at the end of July because of a happy family obligation in New York?

WOODWARD: Don’t go there, Judy.