JOE BIDEN: [on phone] Sure, sure, I’ll tell him. No problem. [hangs up] Charlie Rangel, Boss. Said he appreciated the offer but would rather you didn’t come to Harlem to campaign with him.
OBAMA: Good grief. Harlem? I’m that toxic? We are gonna get smoked in November. Lame duckdom, here I come.
JOE BIDEN: Loser talk, Chief. Stay away from the press with that attitude. MoDo nailed it in her column about me —I’m your go-to PR guy. Now, either hole up at Camp David and watch your world crumble, or trust me to turn things around.
OBAMA: Rescue me, Joe.
BIDEN: All right. But we’re gonna hafta take a page outta Dolly Parton’s book and think outside the buxom.
OBAMA: Outside the . . . ?
BIDEN: I’m sayin’, do the unexpected. Instead of whining’ about your unpopularity, use our media advantage to exploit it. You know, drink outside the box…
DAVID AXELROD: Joe’s onto something, sir. Consider: any candidate seen with you is toast.
OBAMA: So?
AXELROD: So, invite Republicans in tight contests to Ahmadinejad’s state dinner next month.
OBAMA: Ah, I understand. A riff on “Keep your enemies close.” Next day, GMA shows Joe Redstate and his clones hobnobbing with me and Mahmoud. Then Soros’s PACS run the clip around the clock ’til November in their districts. Nancy?
PELOSI: I’m as radioactive as you, Mr. President. I’ll appear in a series of ads praising vulnerable Republicans. They’ll squeal like pigs, but it’s a free country… for now.
HOWARD DEAN: The DNC can have 100,000 SEIU volunteers ready to move from safe districts to tossups by September 1, sir. We’ll get them registered and housed in trailer parks until voting day; afterwards, Teamsters will transport them back home. Let’s see . . . Code name: “Operation Hope and Change Your Address.”
OBAMA: Works for me, Howard. Valerie, ask Oprah to produce a show on their incredible sacrifice. Dave?
PLOUFFE: Our “Split the Vote” pilot program in New Jersey showed promise, sir. The “Independent” pulled almost 6% from Christie. Suppose we nationalize that strategy for midterms–and get the percentage up?
OBAMA: Good thinking. Unknowns are coming of the woodwork to run–and capturing the public’s imagination. Who knows that better than me? Let’s tap into that dynamic: in every district and every state, we’ll encourage selfless, second-tier Democrats to quit the party and launch campaigns as independents. Or, better yet — Republican plants!
DEAN: Yessssss. Then DNC workshops school the stalking horses to sound centrist or slightly right. While our letter-to-the-editor boiler rooms give them exposure, phony PACS with names like Right for America fund mailings and ads on their behalf. If they attract 10-15% of the vote, some contests come our way.
OBAMA: Make it so. Gibbsie, liaise with our MSM familiars. We want these “independents” to get good–but not too good– press. Howard, pass the names to Huffington and Moulitsas: fever-scampers are to launch pro forma attacks on them. Eric?
HOLDER: Sir, a few threats would give Justice an excuse to get involved.
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OBAMA: Right. Bob, have one of your briefing room plants ask about rumors the far right is “gunning” for third party spoilers. Then Eric will drop the BP probe and devote Justice’s resources to unearthing . . . plots. Olbermann and the nutroots will run with that for a month.
RAHM EMANUEL: We need a fallback, sir. I’ll ask 80 of our safest congressmen to switch parties this summer.
OBAMA: Machiavellian! The switchers vote Dem, but the GOP ”controls” the House and therefore shares blame for my failures. Added benefit: the sideshow’ll blow Blago and the Gulf off the front pages. Win-win for The Won! I haven’t had it this easy since Punahou… and Columbia… and Harvard…
EMANUEL: We’ll call the party changers the ”red mutts,” sir. They’ll raise holy hell in the Republican caucus. After midterms, back they march to Mistress Nancy.
GIBBS: The other side’s energized, sir; it would help if we could depress the vote.
OBAMA: Hmmm . . . depress the vote . . . the press, the vote. Bob, invite Times Editor Keller and the network anchors to meet with me in the Oval Office tomorrow. Hush-hush. Bring them in through the tunnel connecting the Media Matters building on Massachusetts Avenue to the Situation Room. I’ll ask that, for national security reasons, they treat the midterms as a non-story, like Climategate and Jobsgate, and…
GIBBS: Very good, sir. I can almost hear Brian Williams on November 3: “Elections? We had elections? Who knew? And who asked for them? We get to the bottom of the conspiracy tonight!”
GEORGE SOROS: Limbaugh iss auf jedenfals ein problem in zis regard, zir. Big audience. Ja, gross, even.
OBAMA: I know. George, can your telecommunications people glitch his broadcasts during September and October?
SOROS: Not only that — we can broadcast in Esperanto!
OBAMA: All right. Everyone fully committed? I don’t want you thinking CYA.
LEON PANETTA: I couldn’t if I wanted to, sir. The law is clear: domestically, my hands are tied. Why, I couldn’t find my A with both hands and the CIA map of —
OBAMA: Um… yes, dear?
MICHELLE: Chris Matthews just said on Hardball the tingle was now running down his leg. Lose him, lose Congress, you’ve lost America. You hear me, Barack?
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