Washington, D.C. (Reuters) – In a hastily called news conference this morning just before first-period bell at a Washington grade school, President Barack Obama introduced James Carville as the administration’s new “Right Wing Media Threat Assessment and Quick Reaction Strike Force Czar.” Currently a Professor of Practice at Tulane University, Carville is married to Republican strategist Mary Matalin.
“Dr. Carville has an unparalleled understanding of the danger Fox News, right-leaning bloggers, and “new media” outlets like Big Government and Big Journalism pose to my plans for America,” Obama said in his trademark sing-song voice, his head swiveling from side to side in the way we’ve all come to know and love. “He will work with the FCC, the FTC, Attorney General Holder, and the mainstream media to expose sedition masquerading as dissent wherever he finds it.
“Before I give James the floor, let me take a minute to dispel an ugly rumor my Republican friends have already begun spreading about this appointment,” Obama continued. “Everyone’s aware I’m incredibly thin-skinned. Yes, James’s harsh criticism of me over the BP oil leak frosted my rear, and yes, I wanted him to shut up.
“But as far as I know, he wasn’t offered this job in exchange for his silence. In fact, I found out James was coming to work for me only ten minutes ago. We have no idea who hired him. White House Counsel Bob Bauer just assured me he’ll conduct a thorough probe of the matter in the months ahead and release his findings as soon as he’s determined nothing illegal or unethical has occurred. Which, of course, it hasn’t.”
Chuckling, Obama went on: “Regarding me muzzling James, well, nobody shuts Carville down, ‘cept Mary Matalin, anyway. However, now that he’s armed with subpoena power and commands his own SEIU SWAT team, I anticipate he’ll no longer be interested in savaging my ankles.”
At the podium, the “Ragin’ Cajun” blasted conservatives for hiding behind the First Amendment’s skirts while taking potshots at the president and his party. “Ya’ll got these here ‘tea pirates’ hijackin’ the national conversation, talkin’ trash, holdin’ up the Constitution as some kinda sacred text that empowers ’em. They messin’ wid simple, hard workin’ folks’ heads-people never give the IRS nor deficits no never mind before–gettin’ ’em riled up ‘n spoutin’ anti-gummint nonsense. Makes you wanna slap your mama.
“Breitbart, Limbaugh, Hannity, Drudge, the Reynolds fella,” Carville continued, “they eggin’ the pack on, tellin’ ’em to yell fire in crowded town halls, creatin’ mischief for decent politicos who done nothin’ ‘cept take their fair share of public monies to dole out to constituents as they see fit.
“Well, I’m givin’ all y’all fair warnin’: startin’ today, I’ll be callin’ in my own big ol’ Cajun squirrel hounds to sniff out varmints, and when the hunt is done and the moon’s risin’ over Bayou Teche, the critters’ll start simmerin’ in the pot with the crawfish, thinkin’, ‘Mighty warm in here.’ And if you don’t like that, you don’t like fried chicken.”
Asked by CAIR pool reporter Nabil Jabboor to clarify his remarks in English, Carville exploded, “I am speakin’ English!”
COMMENTS
Please let us know if you're having issues with commenting.