KATIE COURIC: I appreciate your coming on, Mr. Vice President.

JOE BIDEN: No problem, Katie. Loved you on American Idol, by the way. We’re off the record, right?

COURIC: Um, no, sir.

BIDEN: Whatever. Hit me with your best shot.

COURIC: Is our government broken, sir?

BIDEN: No, Katie. The country’s in bad shape, yes, but the federal government hasn’t been this hale and hearty since I became a senator in ’73.

COURIC: Can you list some accomplishments of the Obama administration?

BIDEN: Sure. One, under President Obama, Americans are finally free from the threat of smallpox and polio. Two, as we unilaterally destroy our nukes, we’re gaining credibility on the Arab street. Finally, our immigration policy virtually guarantees that anyone who wants landscaping services can get them at an affordable price.

COURIC: How will the President use the Gulf oil spill to help ordinary citizens?

BIDEN: We now have the excuse we need to shift from two-ton gas guzzlers and oil furnaces to wind-powered runabouts and home solar heating.

COURIC: Do you lunch with the President once a week?

BIDEN: Yeah, I do, Katie, whether I need to or not. I mean, I don’t actually join him in the Residence or anything, but I have clearance every Thursday to eat in the White House Mess, and the President’s only a short walk away if he ever wants to see me.

COURIC: And how often is that?

BIDEN: Next question.

COURIC: If Israel attacks Iran’s nuclear sites, what will President Obama do?

BIDEN: We have contingency plans to take out Israel’s air force and Fox News headquarters if a strike appears imminent, Katie, but it’s classified info. Can’t talk about it.

COURIC: Hypothetical: we capture an Idaho Tea Partier upset over the GM bailout who’s planted a nuclear device somewhere in Washington. Your advice to President Obama?

BIDEN: First, I confirm they’ve saved me a spot in the White House bunker, which is situated 100 feet beneath the East Room and protected by steel-reinforced walls and a two foot thick titanium-steel blast door. Safest place on the planet. Well, not for a nuke maybe, but another Timothy McVeigh with fine-powdered anthrax could probably introduce it into the whole complex if he accessed the heating vents outside the . . . .

COURIC: Uh, Never mind. The Tim McVeigh wannabe, sir. How do we find out . . . um, excuse me. [whispers into mic to producer] What? Who cares what Big Journalism says? All right, all right. [to Biden] Make that an al-Qaeda person and a hidden nuke, sir. Your advice to President Obama?

BIDEN: Well, I tell the President, look boss, we gotta get the info, but humanely, to keep the ACLU happy. How? Mortarboard the guy.

COURIC: Mortarboard?

BIDEN: Right. Teams of CIA religious scholars in full academic regalia lecturing him around the clock on the superiority of Shia Islam over Sunni Islam. Until he breaks.

COURIC: And if he doesn’t?

BIDEN: Then, he gets nothing to drink but D. C. tap water, day in, day out, just D. C. tap water. After three days, he’ll sing like a canary.

COURIC: Waterboredom? You’d go that far?

BIDEN: It’s in the new interrogation manual Holder ran by moderate Iranian mullahs. They signed off on it.

COURIC: Our time’s running short, sir. Any thoughts on helping the victims of Bush’s global recession?

BIDEN: Yes. Between you and me, the President’s gonna do another joint session of Congress next month and announce a new strategy we’re calling “The Splurge,” deploying an additional trillion dollars we don’t have to fight the global War on Poverty. Krugman of the Times wrote the book on redistribution of wealth. He’ll direct the effort.

COURIC: We’d better stop here. Thanks for your time, Mr. Vice President.

BIDEN: You got it, babe.