OBAMA: Maybe I should become less visible after hosting Saturday Night Live next week. People must be getting tired of seeing my mug whenever they turn on the TV.
ROBERT GIBBS: A mistake, sir. Do more media, not less. Use overexposure as a club.
OBAMA: You mean, bore them until they support my agenda just to get me out of their living rooms?
LARRY SUMMERS: Makes sense, sir. Despite your reputation for eloquence, you have a knack for putting people to sleep when you speak, especially on economic issues. Employ that talent. I advise weekly, prime-time Oval Office addresses devoted to topics such as auction-rate securities and collateral debt obligations.
TIM GEITHNER: Go on Letterman, Oprah, and ESPN, sir. Pontificate professorially on credit default swaps and randomized market algorithms. Appear on Jeopardy: ”Mortgage-backed Derivatives for $200, Alex.”
OBAMA: Book ’em, Rahmbo! But guesting alone won’t be enough to make Americans yell “uncle.” I’ll need my own gig.
PETER ORSZAG: Host a syndicated financial game show modeled after Sajak’s, sir. Tim, Larry and I will develop the concept. We’ll call it Wheel of Fortune 500.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: A stint on a soap means almost no one escapes you, sir. I’ll ask a Days of Our Lives producer I know to write you in as a popular Black President held hostage on a remote Hudson River Island by an evangelical hedge fund manager incensed by rumors of your affection for a hunky blond MSNBC news personality who . . .
DAVID AXELROD: Can it, Chrissy. Sir, compete against your predecessors on Survivor: Camp David. Enlist their cooperation by advising 41 it’s for charity; informing 43 of a brush-clearing challenge; hinting to Clinton about an ”Excursion to Hooters” reward; and enticing Carter with a chance to face off against that killer rabbit again.
OBAMA: Wait, we’re forgetting Limbaugh. He’ll see through our scheme to numb the populace into acquiescence.
ERIC HOLDER: Order the FCC to shut Limbaugh down, sir. His First Amendment rights must be weighed against the societal costs of his rants. We can expect Justice Kagan’s support when Limbaugh’s challenge reaches the SCOTUS.
AXELROD: He won’t bother. He’ll go satellite, like Imus.
FCC: Won’t matter. Such transmissions traverse public atmosphere. That’s under the regulatory authority of our new Satellite Oversight Board.
JOE BIDEN: We’re overreacting here, Boss. All we have to do is marginalize Limbaugh. He has, what, 600 outlets? Appropriate the other 11,000 stations and debut ”The Barack Obama Program” opposite him. He’s meat!
RAHM EMANUEL: Wouldn’t be as messy, sir.
OBAMA: True. All right, I’m in. Hmmm . . . opening music’s gotta be catchy. How about, Melissa Etheridge’s I’m the Only One, to remind listeners that, well, I am. [Mimicking announcer] “And now, live from the White House, coming to you live from his bully pulpit in the Situation Room, the Purveyor of Progressivism, President Barrracck Hus-SEIN Obaaaama…”
DAVID PLOUFFE: Make the call-in number 1-800-Alinsky, sir. No screener necessary; just take calls originating in Cambridge, Berkeley, Ann Arbor, Austin and Madison. A real cross-section of the American public.
OBAMA: OK. No streaming or commercials. Free membership for ”Hussein 24/7″ members. Half hour tape delay in case the TelePrompter goes down or I need a cigarette break. Chris, you and Olbermann sub for me every other day. I need my hoops time.
GIBBS: Provide public service announcements at breaks, sir: ”Witness Arizona police tasering an Hispanic child at an ice cream parlor? Call our hotline at the Justice Department.” Or — ”Spot a CEO in first class instead of coach? Secretary Geithner wants to know.”
OBAMA: Nice. Rahm, tell Pelosi and Reid to have a bill on my desk by Tuesday mandating three hours daily paid leave for employees who want to tune in. Call it ”The Radio Free Choice Act.”
[looking up to see Michelle entering the room]
Yes, dear?
MICHELLE: Leave Monday night free. We’re doing a number on Dancing with the Stars. You’re the professional and I’m the ingénue with the beautiful bare arms. I’ll lead. You hear me, Barack?
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