OBAMA: Unbelievable. Even with a huge government jobs surge last month, we’re still hearing about rising unemployment. And why isn’t Thursday’s stock market blip gone from the news cycle by now?
ROBERT GIBBS: We took our eye off the ball in the media wars, sir. That Neil Cavuto dustup the other day was a wake-up call. The attempted car bombing in New York distracted us from the real threat–Fox News.
DAVID AXELROD: Bob’s right, sir. We must recommit to “preserve, protect and defend” your administration from criticism and constitutional checks on its powers. Ailes’s network tips a growing media breakout from our preferred narrative.
OBAMA: True. Even the usually docile anchors are taking shots at me. Well, let’s start pushing back. Chris, you’re our go-to media lackey–how would you neutralize Fox and squelch the alphabets’ nascent insurgency?
MATTHEWS: Ignore Fox, sir; their ratings go up whenever you mention them. And don’t attack the alphabets–cultivate them. I recommend a soft, tactile approach: a hug for Katie, say; an arm around the shoulder for Brian; maybe a pat on the bum for me . . . .
OBAMA: Nice try, Tingle Man, but Michelle would kill both of us. Dave?
PLOUFFE: Network sympathizers we’ve got, sir. We need better HUMINT from the parent companies’ upper echelons, and leverage to intimidate them.
OBAMA: Right. Hmmm . . . you know, the North Koreans assign political officers to military units to enforce the party line. We’ll do a riff on that. I’ll order FCC lawyers to monitor General Electric and Disney board meetings for hate speech.
MATTHEWS: “Hate speech,” sir?
AXELROD: Get with it, Chris. That’s another expression for “dissent” in Obama’s America.
RAHM EMANUEL: GE and Disney will file challenges as soon as you issue the FCC directive, sir. They employ high-powered legal talent.
ERIC HOLDER: My best attorneys are working the Guantanamo cases now, Mr. President. I’ll reassign them to fend off those corporate sharks. You know, keep the boot on their throats.
HOWARD DEAN: A related matter, sir. The internet trolls we’re running from the DNC just formed a union. They want to be paid by the word, and they want benefits. They’ve threatened to stop posting on Big Journalism, American Thinker, and Redstate, among others. Worse yet, they’re prepared to man a virtual picket line around the Daily Kos. Frankly, we suspect that they’re Breitbart Astroturf…
OBAMA: Where’s the outrage? All right, Howard, you and Axelrod handle negotiations. Nickel a word, excluding articles and prepositions, last best and final. Bonuses for longevity at high-traffic conservative sites. Get banned, get docked. Health benefits limited to carpal tunnel issues, but only with two doctors’ affidavits. Rahm?
EMANUEL: A dirty trick wouldn’t hurt, sir. A tech guy I know says he can hack Fox’s control room and plant a twenty-second porno clip in the middle of Beck’s show.
OBAMA: I didn’t hear that. Joe?
BIDEN: Hey Bob, take Jake the Tapper down a peg. Have Media Matters photoshop a picture of him hooking up with Helen Thomas in some dive bar in Toledo —
GIBBS: Perfect! He’ll never live it down.
OBAMA: I’ll personally challenge the “demigod to demagogue” meme Hannity’s been pushing. Rahm, call Lorne. Tell him I’ll host Saturday Night Live next week.
GIBBS: Are you sure, sir? They’ve been pretty tough on you recently. Suppose they . . . .
OBAMA: Not a chance. I’ll demand that Jon Stewart’s writers develop “Weekend Update,” or whatever they call it. The GOP will take it on the chin all night.
BIDEN: Hey Chris, you and Olbermann make up yet?
MATTHEWS: I tried. Bought him dinner last night at the Seafarer’s Grill on Connecticut Avenue. He took one bite of his red snapper, then stormed out, yelling, “This is the worst poisson in the world!” Man’s unstable. Say, Joe – can you get Jay Carney to talk to MSNBC and get me that time slot? Jay used to work at Time magazine…
OBAMA: Time – is that like Newsweek?
GIBBS: Yes, sir, except it’s not quite dead yet.