Breaking News: Dan Rather To Head New 'Newspaper Relief Agency'

Washington, D.C. (Reuters) – In bold bid to preserve the nation’s access to free and unfiltered information, President Barack Obama has named Dan (Kenneth, what is the frequency?) Rather to head the administration’s “Newspaper Relief Agency.”

Mr. Obama introduced Rather as America’s first “Dead Tree Press Czar” at an unannounced 2:00 a. m. briefing last night in the White House sub-basement. As DTPC, Rather will dispense no-string grants to failing liberal newspapers, assisted by his deputy, Lucy Ramirez, who was not present at the impromptu press conference and could not be reached for comment.

In a statement released this morning, the president said, “I simply can’t allow vital house organs and their veteran journalists who support my agenda to disappear simply because they’ve lost the public’s trust. The science is settled, and the time to act is now.”

Appearing with Press Secretary Robert Gibbs at the briefing, Rather insisted the NRA would not cost taxpayers a dime. “The NRA has no budget. George Soros will fund the agency’s operations from some loose change he found in his tux,” Rather said. “My job is to assess the needs of papers like the New York Times and help them run at a loss indefinitely. Mr. Soros wants what the President and I want: to preserve the storied tradition of print journalists committed to getting the story right and turning it left.

“Selected newspapers will actually see a dramatic increase in circulation even as advertisers desert them and revenue falls,” Rather promised. “No watching the bottom line anymore, so we’ll tell ’em, ‘Give it away.’ Starting next week, a free copy of the Washington Post will be delivered to every home and occupied cardboard box in the metropolitan Washington area. Within a month, UPS will begin distributing the New York Times to college students in dormitories across America. People might be scrounging for scraps in trash bins, but they’ll have access to Krugman, Dowd, and of course Frank Rich.”

Asked to explain the criteria by which newspapers are chosen for resuscitation, Rather replied cryptically, “My Uncle Bill, a West Texas cowman tough as an armadillo in a Kevlar vest, once told me, ‘Dan, when you got live fish in the barrel, leave the whoppers be and gut the rest ‘fore you go back to the bait store.'”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Times publisher Arthur “Pinch” Sulzberger told reporters he’s thrilled Mr. Obama and Mr. Soros are “pulling our nuts out of the fire.” Sulzberger praised Obama’s choice of Rather to lead the agency, saying, “For g-d-fearing newsmen like me, it’s Festivus in April. Dan’s a guy who understands that you get your story out there before the truth can get its pants on.

“My goal is not to inform our readers but to shape their opinions,” Sulzberger continued. “So we’re on the same page as the NRA, and I don’t expect any interference from them. As long as we continue fabricating, distorting, and omitting vital facts in service to this administration, we’ll be all right. Well, except for Douthat, our op-ed conservative, and the ombudsman. They’re toast. David Brooks, we’ll keep. He shows promise. I think Jayson Blair deserves another shot, too.”

A spokesman for Mr. Soros acknowledged the financier’s participation in the relief effort and previewed for reporters a thirty-second spot that will begin running this week in New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles. In hunting garb, Mr. Soros is shown striding on the savannah. He spots a bull elephant about to charge, raises his CZ-550 big game rifle, and drops the beast with one shot. Then, looking straight into the camera, he says, “My name is George Soros, und I am ze NRA.”