Let's Play Hardball — Get Ready for a VAT (Volcanic Activity Tax)

MATTHEWS: Tonight, Mother Nature on the rampage. Our guest, President Barack Obama. Let’s play “Hardball.” Welcome, sir.

OBAMA: Good to be here. Uh, just shake my hand, Chris; don’t squeeze my knee.

MATTHEWS: Sorry. Thousands stranded, economic disruption, a looming health crisis. On the bright side, as Rahm Emanuel might say, a volcanic eruption is a terrible thing to waste. Will you take advantage of this natural disaster to advance your agenda?

OBAMA: Of course, Chris. That’s who I am. If air travel remains a problem for weeks or months, thousands of foreigners will find themselves in America illegally when their visas expire–a nightmare for the State Department. Senator Reid and Speaker Pelosi promise to put an amnesty bill on my desk by Tuesday. They don’t have time to draft a thousand pages to cover all the angles, so, whoever you are, wherever you are, if you’re here, you’re in the clear. And remember to vote in November.

MATTHEWS: Mr. President, wouldn’t this be a good time to fast-track cap-and-trade?

OBAMA: I intend to, Chris. What’s happening in Iceland is not an isolated event. Why is the earth venting? Because it’s hot. Why is it hot? Because America’s love of cars and smokestacks has raised the planet’s temperature. This is the simple logic the deniers reject.

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MATTHEWS: Can you do anything to stop the eruption, sir?

OBAMA: Well, I know people expect miracles from me, Chris, but that’s beyond my power. I’m just a simple human being. I did call His office to ask Him to intervene, but He’s in another universe on business. We’re on our own.

MATTHEWS: Many people and businesses are going to need federal help if things get worse, sir. But you’re on record saying that we can’t afford to spend money we don’t have.

OBAMA: And I meant it, Chris. My administration is committed to pay-as-you-go. Chairman Levin of Ways and Means will soon propose a Volcanic Activity Tax, or VAT, to fund relief efforts. We’ll use any surplus from the VAT to reduce our debt or create a new entitlement, as the political situation warrants.

MATTHEWS: Finally, a question of a personal nature, sir. I confess I’m not up to speed on the rites associated with your political ministry. Do I wash the dust from your feet, or do you wash the dust from mine?

OBAMA (rising, glancing at his BlackBerry): I’ll have to get back to you on that one.