My Fantasy Fifteen Minutes with the President of the United States

I’ve interviewed many celebrities, politicians and sports stars over the years. I’ve grilled George Soros, been threatened by Mike Tyson and had fun with Jason Alexander. I’ve never interviewed a President of the United States, but I’d welcome the opportunity and the responsibility. Who wouldn’t? During his first year in office, Barack Obama did 158 “exclusive” interviews. I don’t know how you do 158 “exclusives,” but basically that means he sat down, one-on-one with everybody from Katie Couric to Al Jazeera. Al Roker never got an exclusive, but there’s plenty of time this new year to make that happen.

Since many people have gotten on that “exclusive” list, I’d like to give it a shot. We can do it when he comes to Las Vegas, or I’d foot the bill to fly to his place in D.C. to make it happen. If the President wants the questions in advance, I’d tell him to read this column, I’ll put some of them here. I’ve never been one to put questions in writing before I do an interview, certainly not for the person I’m interviewing, and I’ve never really even done it for myself, so this is rather unique for me to put this much planning into an interview.

But if I had fifteen minutes with the President, I’d ask him some question that he’s probably never been asked by my friends in the activist old media who have actually gotten the opportunity to talk to him and pretty much wasted it. So, here goes, my questions for the President:

“First, and most important, Mr. President, do you believe that radical Islam is at war with the free world? You sometimes use the word ‘war,’ but giving KSM a civilian trial treats him more like a guy who stole a Honda Accord from the corner shopping mall, than a terrorist in a war.”

He will twist and turn and deflect on this one. He won’t say yes, and if his past statements are any clue, he’ll try to refer to terrorists by some other, more vanilla phrase like, “the people that Bush made bad.”

I won’t let up on this question. Follow-ups are always the more important than the initial query. After his deflecting, tepid response to the first question, I’d try something like, “Are you aware that approximately thirty years ago radical Islam declared jihad on the free world, Mr. President? Are you aware that this is a war that they have declared, not something that the free world has wished upon itself?”

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After more wishy-washy deflection on the part of the President, I’ll get to the heart of the matter. “Where do you get off on blaming America for terrorist attacks?”

I’m guessing at that point I’m finished, but let’s just figure this fantasy interview continues. I’ll change the tone just a bit. I’ll try this one next.

“Your Vice President, Joe Biden said recently that Iraq is a great achievement for your administration. Didn’t both you and Biden vote against the surge that brought success to Iraq, how do you try to take credit for something you fought against?”

This question is just too easy and there are plenty of follow-ups to be had here. Just bust out a few quotes from Obama and Biden from 2007 and 2008 and there is plenty of material here to get the point across. Then I’d try this one, “You have said about Iraq that you support the troops, but not the mission, are you now saying you support both the troops and the mission, why the change?” (I could say flip-flop, but that would probably make me the first person to actually use that phrase with the Dear Leader, and that would make me Keith Olbermann’s Worst Person Forever and Ever in the Entire Universe).

My final question on this vein would deal with former President George W. Bush. I would ask, “You called Bush to join with you on the charity effort for Haiti, would you call him to show up when troops leave Iraq for good to welcome them home? After all, it was the Bush administration that sealed the deal for them to win this war, and eventually come home with, dare I say, victory, was it not?”

If I’m still allowed to keep asking questions, this one would come to mind. “You have complained about the spending of the last administration, I believe you were a sitting U.S. senator during much of that time, elected in 2004. How many spending bills did you vote against? With a little homework, I could get specific on this one. If Bush “ballooned” our deficit out of control, as has been said, then Obama is piloting the Hindenburg.

At this point, I’m guessing somebody will want the interview to stop. I recall asking Tyson a question he didn’t like before a fight and he called me a “smart ass,” and his handlers told us our five minutes with him were done. I looked at my watch and only two and a half minutes had expired, but I got a great answer from him on camera. Nothing’s better than having a boxer get angry at you while on camera. I had my lead story that night. But, Obama is much cooler than Iron Mike, so let’s say he maintains his composure on camera. I would then rattle off a few more just for fun:

If KSM is going to have a fair trial under the American system of justice, how can you say he’s guilty before proven innocent? You and Joe Biden have both convicted him before his trial, is that America?”

“How long do you keep blaming Bush? Six months? One year? Three more years?”

“You and your Vice President were both in the Senate before you moved into the White House, do you take any blame for this current economic situation as Senators, or were Senators just helpless passengers on the Evil Bush Train?”

“You said many, many times nobody making under $250,000 a year will have a tax increase. Now you say you’re agnostic about that — what happened?”

“Why do you keep picking on Vegas? Did you have a bad experience here?”

“How does the government stimulate anything economically when they first have to take the money from the people?”

“Why do you keep saying Republicans are the Party of No on healthcare and say they have given no new ideas when you shut them out of the process and they actually proposed three bills last summer?”

And finally, since every interview has to end with a funny little question that makes everybody leave as friends and yuck it up so the listeners smile and both people can shake hands, I would ask this question at the end. “Mr. President, at different times you picked both the Saints and Colts to win the Super Bowl, can you tell me who will win the next one? You seem to be a prophet on this issue.”

I’m certain there will be a tingle up my leg and the President will offer me the chance to sneak into the next White House dinner. I’ll invite him to hang out with me at the Bellagio and have dinner at Prime Steakhouse. I’ll call for comps so the taxpayers don’t get soaked. At this point, I’m guessing security will already be on the move and my fifteen minutes of fame will be up. There are a hundred more questions I would love to ask. I still love the questions though. Somebody should ask them.