As you all watched the Bowl Championship Series title game between Texas and Alabama, consider that this could be the final game where some degree of freedom exists in who actually plays in the game.
Reliable sources tell me that senators are lining up to make demands for future BCS Bowl Games. Of course, these demands have not yet been made public because the negotiations are taking place in a secret location, in a closed building, behind a locked door, and the senators are reportedly hiding under black sheets — just like in the top-secret “health care” reconciliation process now underway.
Apparently – and you heard it here first – Ben Nelson (D-Lame Duck, Neb.) has had told Harry Reid (D-Dead Man Talking) that he’s excited about the prospect of free Medicaid forever, but since the issue is insurance, he wants the Nebraska Cornhuskers to be guaranteed a BCS Bowl game forever or until he needs a hair transplant, whichever comes first. Plus, he’d like that one second taken back off the clock in the Nebraska/Texas game that put Texas in the Championship Game.
Typically, Reid praised himself as a brilliant negotiator and said Nelson could have his “Cornhusker Guarantee” by getting his team in the new Forever BCS Series, but that he could not take the second off the clock. Reid then reportedly said, “This has to be done in the spirit of bi-partisanship, there are Republicans in Texas. Besides, I want to use the word “bipartisanship” in a sentence I actually mean.”
At that point Orrin Hatch (R-UT), who was not allowed in the meeting but had managed to sneak in, spoke up and demanded that his state get something out of these negotiations. He asked for the University of Utah and Brigham Young University to play each other in the Forever BCS Title Game every year. “In the spirit of real bi-partisanship, how would you like to actually have a Republican vote for this bill?” Sources say Hatch was shouted down because his demands were obviously outrageous and he was quickly removed from the room by private Democrat security forces. John Kerry (D-Vietnam) reportedly said, “We don’t need a Republican vote that badly.”
Reid then heard from Chris Dodd (D-Former Senator) who emerged from beneath a sheet and said that he wanted to say something before he left the Senate forever. He told the group that a $100 million “research center” for his home state was nice, but that he wasn’t sure if a small state like Connecticut even had a football team. He asked to be part of the negotiations for the UConn Huskies basketball team when the NCAA Basketball Tournament was to be brought up later in the secret meeting.
We’ve been told that somebody from the meeting said he was from the right-wing, neo-con, Tea Party state of Idaho (nobody knows the senators from Idaho, except that toe-tapper guy) and he surprised everybody by turning down the Reid bribes, “Boise State gets in the BCS the old fashioned way, we don’t need bribes,” said the unnamed patriot.
Presidential Spokesthing Robert Gibbs was asked about the secret meeting and he said that although he was unaware of anything like this happening, he reiterated for the 147th time that Barack Obama was committed to transparency and that if this ever happened again he, Gibbs, would insist on lighter color sheets. When asked for a response, Senator Robert Byrd (D-KKK) agreed that white sheets would be better.
Many details are still sketchy, but Mary Landrieu (D-Lame Duck) said, “If Democrats are going to bribe other Democrats to vote for a Democrat bill, then it must be a great, great bill!” She told Reid that the LSU Tigers would love to be involved but she realized that spots in the BCS Forever were filling up quickly and that the $300 million for the Katrina State was already a pretty good deal.
John Ensign (R-NV) before being escorted out of the meeting along with Hatch, asked Reid if he planned on getting the University of Nevada, or UNLV in the Forever Bowl. “Don’t you think your home state might want something out of this?” Reid responded by reminding Ensign that august Nevada senators were there to serve other states in the union and that, besides, Reid is now much bigger than even Las Vegas. Besides, a Nevada school in the new BCS Forever Bowl Series would just be too outrageous and the Silver State should be content with having Reid grace it with his presence every once in a while.
Bernie Sanders (I-People’s Republic of Vermont) proposed a 1,537-page amendment demanding that USC move its team from Los Angeles to Barre, to give his state a chance, but sources tell us this idea was shouted down over fears that Republicans would act in a bipartisan nature by demanding the amendment actually be read first, and then pass it.
We believe Max Baucus (D-Mistress), who wrote the health care bill, was at this meeting, but we can’t be sure. There were no demands for Montana, or Montana State football, but there was a sheet with lots of movement and unintelligible noises coming from it. Most of the words were slurred and our source could not make them out.
We can tell you this; the US Senate is set to begin secret, in camera hearings into the new Forever Bowl Championship Series. In a final pronouncement Reid said proudly, “We have a bill! WE can’t tell you what’s in it it yet, but one thing’s for sure: you’re all going to pay for it. Forever.”