Nolte: All This Stupid, Narcissistic Crybabying over an Apple Ad

Apple is a fascist company, so you can imagine how stupid people have to get before I run to its defense.

However, the uproar over an ad called “Crush!” which was meant to promote the latest iPad Pro is just stupid — another example of how social media has created a contagion where we seek to pretend we are offended because being offended is a cheap and easy way to feel morally superior without actually being morally superior.

Here’s the ad that launched a million Well, I Nevers!

The ad isn’t even subtle. No one with an IQ over room temperature can watch that ad and come to any other conclusion than this: you can do all that neat and cool stuff on your new iPad Pro.

That’s it.

That’s the message.

There is nothing wrong with that message. Everything is being compressed into the iPad Pro. These babies are all pretending Apple is destroying art when Apple is neatly compressing all that art into one convenient place. Nothing is being destroyed.

So what’s the problem?

I’ll tell you what the problem is… Instead of telling our grown babies to shut up and get over it… Instead of ridiculing our grown babies until they are forced to grow up… We coddle our grown babies… They have a tantrum, and we immediately give in. Of course, Apple surrendered to its fellow fascists and pulled the ad. No one wants to go through life having lost the good opinion of perpetual scolds like The Lesser Batemen and Hugh Grant.

But this tantrum is especially revealing because it is over… nothing. This is a moment where the grown babies were sitting at home with their empty lives, wanting to have a tantrum, so they went out looking for a reason and fabricated one through a deliberate misinterpretation.

Think about how good life must be, how privileged these grown babies are, that they have the emotional space to fabricate reasons to feel offended over a commercial. Shouldn’t these millionaires be out digging wells for Africans or something?

This is the worst kind of toxic, everything-is-all-about-me narcissism. I’m offended. I’m a victim. Please don’t look at how much privilege one must enjoy being offended over something this stupid and meaningless. And please, please, please don’t look at how I am deliberately misinterpreting this ad to fabricate an offense that my empty life so desperately needs.

Now comes my favorite part…

How many of these crybaby assholes do you think will buy the new iPad Pro?

Yep. All of them.

John Nolte’s first and last novel, Borrowed Time, is winning five-star raves from everyday readers. You can read an excerpt here and an in-depth review here. Also available in hardcover and on Kindle and Audiobook.