American Chess Player Gets Butt Scanned After Cheating Accusations

American chess player Hans Moke Niemann recently had his butt scanned ahead of the U.S. Championships in response to previous accusations of cheating.

The chess world became the center of global attention this past September the low-rated 19-year-old Niemann beat Grandmaster Magnus Carlsen of Norway in an upset matchup at the Sinquefield Cup in St. Louis, Missouri. As Breitbart News reported at the time, rumors and theories immediately began circulating across the internet that Niemann somehow cheated through the use of an anal device that fed him advanced chess moves via vibration. The theory became so popular that even billionaire Elon Musk appeared to believe it:

As soon as he won, Niemann — who was one of the lowest-rated players in the tournament — was accused of cheating and faced the unlikely claim that he was using an electronic chess move generator hidden somewhere on his person that was wirelessly linked to an anal massage device secreted just where such a device is designed to be placed. Accusers claimed that the anal device would buzz in some sequence to tell Niemann what moves to make, though the player’s detractors did not exactly reveal just how that could work.

The anal bead accusation caught the eye of entrepreneur Elon Musk who jumped to Twitter to joke, “Talent hits a target no one else can hit, genius hits a target no one can see (cause it’s in ur butt).” Musk later deleted the tweet.

Regardless of the theory’s merit, orchestrators of the U.S. Chess Championships apparently took it seriously enough that Niemann had his butt scanned ahead of the tournament.

Writing for SB Nation, James Dator said the frequency scanner intended to pick up a signal radiating from Niemann’s rectum. Needless to say, the scanner discovered nothing.

“I don’t even know how to fathom all this,” wrote Dator. “I can’t even process the decision behind ‘let’s use a frequency scanner to check a player’s rear end.’ I mean, I get it; I just want to be a fly on the wall where a bunch of old-school chess masters were discussing scanning a player’s anus for a microcontroller hidden in anal beads.”

“At this time we don’t know if the butt set off a beep. It seems someone would have sent up an alert if the butt set off the scanner, but it looks like the rectum was clean. THE RECTUM WAS CLEAN FOLKS!” he hilariously added.