Congratulations to Hideki Matsuyama for hanging tough and prevailing at the 2021 Masters.

It was nice to see an athlete fulfill his life-long dream and not even crack a smile. He did not smile when he won. It was amazing. I think we’re all tired of the over-emoting, hysterical athlete. Give me more of the Hideki far-off -glazed-over-eyes look. There were no fist pumps, no dancing, no gyrating, and definitely no tears. If this is what the Japanese are like, then book me a ticket to Tokyo. That’s in Japan, right?

The other competitors let him off the hook, though. Hideki’s one over par 73 shouldn’t have been good enough to win, but fair play to him- he did enough. Xander Schauffele made a charge with 4 consecutive birdies cutting the lead to 2 strokes on the 16th hole. He then promptly hit it in the water and triple bogey. From there on out, Hideki could coast home. He made a bogey on 16 and 18, which gave him a one-shot victory. All in all, it was a disappointing Sunday of golf due to the lack of drama, but it was still nice to see a humble, worthy champion crowned in front of actual fans.

News and notes from the week:

I’m impressed that Hideki hasn’t learned one word of English. He’s played regularly here for over 10 years, yet he looked irritated Jim Nantz hadn’t learned Japanese when he was presenting the green jacket. He was thinking, c’mon, Jim, didn’t you think I was going to win- ever heard of Rosetta Stone? Alpha.

Will Zalatoris was the one legit contender on Sunday who played well. He has a very bright future. Golf twitter was all excitable, comparing his look to Happy Gilmore’s goofy caddy. It got a little irritating. First of all, Happy Gilmore is not a very funny movie. Ben Stiller saved it from being a completely unfunny movie. If someone you know loves Happy Gilmore, don’t trust their sense of humor. Secondly, the comparison was made to sort of disparage Zalatoris who is a very handsome kid, so I didn’t like it on that end either. However, I came up with possibly the best nickname of any golfer ever by calling Will Zalatoris “The Machinist.” If you’ve seen the Christian Bale movie from 2004 and seen Zalatoris, then you get the joke. If you haven’t seen either, then why have you read this far? Zalatoris is a very skinny kid. He looks good, but he’s really skinny. Bale lost 65 pounds to get down to 120 for the movie. What makes the nickname really work is the fact there is another popular golfer, Miguel Angel Jimenez, who goes by the nickname “The Mechanic.” Well, my genius nickname hasn’t caught on. Maybe I need a larger Twitter following, or maybe I’m not all that likable, but either way, this gem sits out in the ether. But like George Constanza says-it’s a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. And I’m not going to dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!! That, by the way, was pulled from the single funniest episode of Seinfeld ever- The Comeback.

3. Jon Rahm had a baby, and every single golf writer on Twitter was congratulating him and his wife Kelly…” great news Jon and Kelly Rahm -so happy for you!”, “Kelly and Jon- congrats!” “So happy for Jon and Kelly!”…which led me to ask- do you people even know Kelly? It’s a bit fake and affected. I guess what I’m trying to say is I wish I was more popular on Twitter, but I can’t be this pretentious.

4. Rory McIlroy hit his dad with a ball on Thursday. He missed the cut and hit his dad with a ball. Bad week. Did I mention he and his wife had a baby last year? I was so happy for Rory and Erica!!

5. Jim Nantz, the famed CBS lead broadcaster, was covering his 36th Masters Tournament. The man is a national treasure. He is perfect with play-by-play and knows so much about the Masters that he really doesn’t need a color commentator, especially Nick Faldo, who is average at best. He’ll probably be doing the Masters another 14 years and will retire on his 50th appearance.

6. May 20th is the next big golfing date on the calendar as the PGA Championship heads back to The Ocean Course in Kiawah Island, South Carolina. We will catch up then.