Each reader of this article plans on printing out this mock draft. I warn you: Don’t!

This mock draft is worth significantly less than the paper it would be printed on and is certain to be subject to your mockery before, during, and after the NFL Draft.

For your amusement and condescension, my mock draft:

  1. Los Angeles Rams—QB Jared Goff, Cal: This would not be my pick, particularly after mortgaging my franchise to move up. I see the Cal product as having a high ceiling as a middle of the road NFL QB with some significant bust potential. That said, the Rams brass appears to disagree.
  2. Philadelphia Eagles—QB Carson Wentz, North Dakota State: To me, Wentz is the best QB in the draft. His ceiling is higher than Goff’s—somewhere in the Roethlisberger/Flacco range—but he also has bust potential. A very puzzling move for Philly to move up to grab the Bison—a big gamble at a heavy price.
  3. San Diego Chargers—OT Laremy Tunsil, Ole Miss: Now, the biggest mystery in the draft. DeForest Buckner and Jalen Ramsey will be under heavy consideration, but the chance to grab a franchise LT wins out.
  4. Dallas Cowboys—DB Jalen Ramsey, Florida State: An incredibly versatile athlete, Ramsey is, in my view, one of three “sure things” among the upper echelons of the draft along with Ezekiel Elliott and Joey Bosa. Speaking of the Buckeyes, both figure to be factors here, but Ramsey may be too good to pass up.
  5. Jacksonville Jaguars—LB Myles Jack, UCLA: If not for major injury concerns, Jack and Jaylon Smith would be vying for the top spot on my Big Board. It remains to be seen if the Jaguars, who pulled a surprise by taking Bortles a couple of years ago, will see the former Bruin as worth the risk.
  6. Baltimore Ravens—DE/LB Joey Bosa, Ohio State: Questionable fit here, but Bosa is too good to pass up if available at #6. Tunsil, Jack, and Ramsey would all be under consideration if still available. Ronnie Stanley and, even more so, DeForest Buckner would be great fits for the team. Again, though, Bosa has a high motor and is bound to be a successful player in the NFL.
  7. San Francisco 49ers—DE DeForest Buckner, Oregon: This is a massive prospect with a lot of talent. He is that rare specimen of this size that gets after the quarterback well. A pick too good to pass up if available at #7.
  8. Cleveland Browns—RB Ezekiel Elliott, Ohio State: It’s a new day in Cleveland, and do not be surprised to see them trade down. If they do not, the franchise that is dumping the little talent it had, has botched draft after draft, and passed up the chance to grab a new face would do well to grab the Ohio State star.
  9. Tampa Bay Bucs—DE Shaq Lawson, Clemson: For me, this would be a no-brainer. Lawson is a high motor, high talent prospect and would add a strong edge rush for the Bucs.
  10. New York Giants—LB Leonard Floyd, Georgia: The Georgia product lacked some productivity that you’d like to see. Still, his length and athletic ability has him climbing up the draft.
  11. Chicago Bears—OT Ronnie Stanley, Notre Dame: I would argue that Stanley has higher upside than Tunsil, but his less than stellar showing in the run game and some concerns about tenacity drops him a bit. A strong value pick at #11.
  12. New Orleans Saints—DT Sheldon Rankins, Louisville: An Aaron Donald clone? Rankins lacks the size you would like, but he makes plays, and, boy, do the Saints need an impact player on defense!
  13. Miami Dolphins—CB Vernon Hargreaves III, Florida: If he were two inches taller, he’d be in the top five. But, he hasn’t measured well and didn’t have phenomenal times in the draft process, and that drops him here.
  14. Oakland Raiders—LB Reggie Ragland, Alabama: Wait, what are the Raiders doing this low! With some talent on the roster, there’s some flexibility in Oakland, but the biggest need is linebacker, and Ragland is a nasty field general.
  15. Tennessee Titans—OT Jack Conklin, Michigan State: The drop off between Tunsil, who Tennessee would have taken, and Conklin is there, but it nowhere near outweighs the bounty the Titans took home to deal down.
  16. Detroit Lions—OT Taylor Decker, Ohio State: A bit of a reach, but Decker has played at a high level and should be able to hold down the RT spot for a long time.
  17. Atlanta Falcons—LB Darron Lee, Ohio State: How important is speed? If Lee had run .1 second slower, he probably would be available at this point a round later. Still, the fact that Lee was able to run a 4.47 deserves the attention it garnered.
  18. Indianapolis Colts—C Ryan Kelly, Alabama: Big reach, but that has been the Colts’ pattern in recent years. I do have a high confidence level that this pick goes toward someone who will block for Andrew Luck or catch passes for him.
  19. Buffalo Bills—DT Robert Nkemdiche, Ole Miss: A certain top-ten pick, a probable top-five selection if not for character concerns. Nkemdiche is a boom or bust guy. He could fit in well with Rex Ryan.
  20. New York Jets—LB Noah Spence, Eastern Kentucky: Another character concern who has stellar pass rush skills. Will the Jets be the one to grab Paxton Lynch? Really torn there, but I went with Spence who has done a lot to answer questions about his past.
  21. Washington Redskins—DT A’Shawn Robinson, Alabama: No character questions with Robinson, but the Tide defender was not always as productive as his size and strength should have allowed him to be. Still, Robinson has Pro Bowl ability.
  22. Houston Texans—WR Corey Coleman, Baylor: When you get a quarterback, you give him weapons, and Corey Coleman is a weapon. He’s a blazer who makes plays, and Brock Osweiler would love to have him.
  23. Minnesota Vikings—WR Josh Doctson, TCU: Teddy Bridgewater is the future of the Vikings, and the front office will do everything they can to help him succeed.
  24. Cincinnati Bengals—S Karl Joseph, West Virginia: An injury caused Joseph’s stock to drop and now it is rising again. After losing Reggie Nelson in free agency, Joseph makes a lot of sense.
  25. Pittsburgh Steelers—CB Eli Apple, Ohio State: Long and athletic, Apple has all the tools you’d like to see in a first-round corner—something the Steelers really need.
  26. Seattle Seahawks—OT Jason Spriggs, Indiana: Spriggs is a workout warrior who put up eye-popping numbers throughout the draft process. After losing Okung, the Seahawks will hope Spriggs lives up to his physical attributes.
  27. Green Bay Packers—DT Vernon Butler, Louisiana Tech: Green Bay needs to bolster the middle, and Jarran Reed and Vernon Butler are the two guys that can do that here. Butler has a higher upside.
  28. Kansas City Chiefs—CB William Jackson, Houston: Jackson has risen up the board in recent talk, and he (and Apple) could end up going much higher. The Houston product pairs with Marcus Peters to form a dynamic young tandem.
  29. Arizona Cardinals—QB Paxton Lynch, Memphis: Bruce Arians would have to be euphoric to see Lynch here. With injuries having dismantled the Cardinals in recent years and Carson Palmer unlikely to be around much longer, Lynch is the future and would do well with the opportunity to sit.
  30. Carolina Panthers—CB Mackensie Alexander, Clemson: Significant needs across the board for the Super Bowl loser. However, the bungled Josh Norman situation means corner will likely be addressed in round one.
  31. Denver Broncos—QB Connor Cook, Michigan: The Super Bowl champs could go in a number of directions, but the franchise would do well to bolster the quarterback position. Some concerns about Cook, but he is a winner.