The UC Irvine Guide to Hilariously Terrible College Administration

The administration of the University of California at Irvine has demonstrated spectacular cowardice this week by punishing the College Republicans for hosting my wildly successful and highly entertaining lecture on law and order, held in June.

Typical of the slippery social justice types that have infested the collegiate power structure over the past several decades, they couldn’t just come out and ban the club. What they did, with a particular blend of emasculated weakness and sadistic bureaucracy, is to stop the club from holding meetings for a year.

But of course the entire point of the College Republicans is to hold meetings, so what is the difference from a total ban in practice? Nothing.

I always try to be honest with my readers, whom I value almost as much as I value myself— I’m out of cigarettes and I think my deputy Allum Bokhari once again stole my lucky gold pen.

In short, I’m cranky, and I’m taking it out on you with this list how of how the UC Irvine commissars could apply the same tactics they used on the College Republicans to other groups.

Islam: Islam isn’t banned, but you can’t force women to wear hijabs or murder gays. What’s the point?!

Black Lives Matter: BLM is welcome, but no throwing tantrums, destroying stuff, telling lies to blacks, or spreading conspiracy theories. WHY BOTHER?

Feminism: Feel free to be a feminist, but no hating men, repeating bogus statistics, or getting fat and piercing your septum. Eh?!!!

Bowling: Bowling is still allowed on UC Irvine grounds, but not with balls. Actually this won’t be a problem if the team is all UC Irvine administrators.

Asian Pacific Student Association: The APSA is welcome at UC Irvine, but no member may have Straight As. Wow, I’m almost as sadistic as the actual UC Irvine administrators!

Anime Club: The anime club will continue to meet on Monday and Fridays, but may not watch silly cartoons about schoolgirls, or welcome any members with autism.

Debate Club: Debate club will remain an activity on campus, but members may not disagree with anything said to them. If they accidentally agree with a conservative position they will be put on double-secret probation.

Robotics Club: This activity is now only available to students who sexually identify as robots. No actual robot building will take place.

Title IX complaints: The university will continue to seriously investigation complaints of sexual abuse and gender discrimination, but women alleging infractions will be required to have legitimate cases, evidence, and due process will be followed. (This one is a stretch even for me!)

Socialists: College socialists will be free to speak on campus, but will be stripped of all Apple electronics, have mommy and daddy’s care packages taken away, and pay $100 for a hamburger like their beloved comrades in Venezuela.

Vegans: Vegans are free to eat a diet completely free of animal products at UC Irvine, but are barred from telling a soul about their superior lifestyle — and especially not at length, the first time they meet them. Oh, the humanity!

La Raza: “The Race” can meet with all the campus radicals they want, but no interfering with the American political process, threatening citizens who have the audacity to attend a Donald Trump rally, and attacking police without consequence.

Football: The football team will remain an active part of campus athletics, but the offensive line is expected to complete their own finger-paintings, the rest of the team has to write their own term papers, and any players arrested on felonies need to pay their own bail.

College Democrats: Democrats will be required to meet often and publicly. No deleting your meeting minutes, students! This will be tough to stomach for anyone from the Hillary Clinton school of politics.

UC Irvine Alumni Association: The Alumni association will be an active organization, but only graduates of other schools that identify as trans-Irvine will be allowed into meetings.

Karate Club: UC Irvine has a proud tradition in the martial arts, which will continue without those discriminatory coloured belts. We live in an egalitarian society and no one is better than anyone else.

Choir: We welcome choirs at UC Irvine, but there will be no sopranos, no solos and especially no robes worn on stage.

3D Printing Club: This recent addition to UC Irvine will continue to explore new and exciting technologies using a standard Hewlett-Packard laser printer. Toner to be purchased by the club.

Bible Study: Ha! Just kidding, UC Irvine wouldn’t have anything as disgusting as an organized bible study class, especially during Ramadan, when it might be offensive.

Vexillography Club: Don’t even think about it.

And because everyone can do with a bit of extra Milo in their lives, here is a link to the event that started the whole kerfuffle. Watch it, and piss off a few more idiotic campus crybabies.