There once was a man
in the Land of the Free
who wanted to rule
across land, over sea.
His first name was Joe,
his last name was Biden.
Ol’ Joe spent his time
in a dark basement, hidin’.
He never came out
except with a mask;
he’d run right back down
if questions were asked.
Uncle Joe, as they called him,
came up with a plan
to win an election
and govern the land.
He had to beat Donald,
the president, Trump,
who’d otherwise kick
Uncle Joe in the rump.
He said: “I’ll just tell them
that mean Mr. Trump
supports neo-Nazis.
They’ll think he’s a chump.”
So Uncle Joe summoned
the loyal Fake News
to cook up the lies
his campaign would use.
Though people believed them,
it wasn’t enough.
Uncle Joe realized
he’d need stronger stuff.
Just then, a pandemic
made everyone sick.
Here was Joe’s chance
for a new kind of trick.
Joe told the people
That voting was risky
(though they were just fine
buying ganja or whiskey).
“I demand vote-by-mail!”
he declared from his den,
“Or else we shall die!
(And Trump’s gonna win.)”
An army of lawyers
fought for the change
that Biden commanded
and courts did arrange.
Sure enough, in the voting
Trump did all right;
He looked to be winning
on E-lection Night.
But in came the mail!
And just as Trump feared
his lead in the vote
had soon disappeared.
Biden had done it!
He’d come from behind.
A scheme that poor Donald
would never unwind.
The moment that Trump
began asking questions,
they shut him right up!
Joe taught him a lesson.
Once in the White House,
Uncle Joe signed some orders.
He called some world leaders;
he opened the borders.
He canceled a pipeline
that Trump had allowed.
The workers were angry;
Joe’s donors were proud.
He gave out vaccines
And claimed all the credit.
The journ-O-lists ignored
a lie, when he said it.
But Joe’s hopes for power
ran into a bump:
so many people
still missed Donald Trump.
The old president
had cause to feel bitter:
they censored his Facebook;
they kicked him off Twitter.
But Trump was enjoying
his Florida home.
Inside Mar-a-Lago
he wasn’t alone.
His fans lined the streets
to see him drive by;
they cheered and waved flags
for their favorite guy.
Nothing could shake them,
despite “insurrection”;
and all “MAGA nation”
professed its affection.
So Uncle Joe plotted
to get back at Trump.
The new “cancel culture”
gave license to dump.
He called his advisers
and said, “I’ve no use
for fun-loving authors
like this ‘Dr. Seuss.’
“Cancel the stories
that people enjoy;
shun those who say
that a girl’s not a boy.
“Everything’s racist!
That’s what we’ll say.
Neanderthal Trumpsters
will soon go away.”
So the book-burning started
on bonfires piled high.
Joe followed his plan
to make Trump say goodbye.
But millions of people
whether white, brown, or black
had seen quite enough
and began to push back.
“Dr. Seuss is a legend!
We love Hop on Pop.
Uncle Joe’s lost his mind;
‘cancel culture’ must stop.”
Uncle Joe had imagined
he’d win, going woke.
But Trump is still laughing,
and Biden’s the joke.
Joel B. Pollak is Senior Editor-at-Large at Breitbart News and the host of Breitbart News Sunday on Sirius XM Patriot on Sunday evenings from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. ET (4 p.m. to 7 p.m. PT). He is the author of the recent e-book, Neither Free nor Fair: The 2020 U.S. Presidential Election. His recent book, RED NOVEMBER, tells the story of the 2020 Democratic presidential primary from a conservative perspective. He is a winner of the 2018 Robert Novak Journalism Alumni Fellowship. Follow him on Twitter at @joelpollak.
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