Vicky Adams, a Hollywood witch who looks the part, estimates that tens of thousands participate in a thaumaturgic conspiracy against the president of the United States every month.
Who knew the witch community favored a candidate other than Donald Trump in last November’s presidential election?
“The Donald Trump spell is not a hex or a curse,” Ms. Adams tells The Sun of the ongoing campaign of wizardry against the president. “It’s binding Trump and any of his abettors to prevent them from causing harm and destruction to people, animals, the environment, everything.”
Since Breitbart News first reported on the initial mass spell cast in February, the monthly event expanded from a few covens and freelance necromancers into a worldwide phenomenon involving tens of thousands of witches, warlocks, and other creatures of the night.
The spell involves tarot cards, orange candles, sage, a feather, and other seemingly innocuous ingredients. It occurs once a month when the moon morphs from glowing grapefruit into beaming banana, which coincides with the 18th this September. Incantations allegedly occur. General spookiness prevails.
Our forebears, in not forbearing such practitioners of the dark arts, surely demonstrated more sophistication in stopping sorcery than caught-unawares, too-cool-for-Hogwarts moderns dismissing witch hunts as battles against the imaginary rather than recognizing their effectiveness in eliminating the witch problem. Given the absence of a Good-Witch-Glinda vibe in the vexing hexing, and the presence of something positively Bellatrix Lestrange, perhaps the commander-in-chief could build a wall that blocks magic and Mexicans or borrow a Star Wars-like defense shield from a predecessor to protect himself from the sortilege. Alas, the magic of the digital age proves no match to the magic of the ages.
The thousand-year Third Reich’s inability to make it past 12 demonstrates the wonder of wizardry. Neither guns nor bombs stopped the Nazis. Spells did.
“In England there was a famous case where British witches helped stop the invasion of the Germans into the British Isles,” Adams educates readers of the most-widely circulated daily in the U.K. “They created a thought-form and everybody contributed to the spell and helped to stop the Nazi invasion.”
And as J.R.R. Tolkien readers recall, the Dark Lord Sauron, a figure not unlike Adolf Hitler, lost his potent supernatural gifts when the ring fell into the fire on Mount Doom. So unleashing the occult on the president comes not without precedent.
Like these past examples of diabolism, this spell succeeds. Donald Trump remains frustrated in his unstated ambitions to harm and destroy people, animals, the environment, and everything. Should the voodoo weaken, the president may not spare that turkey this Thanksgiving (so strong is his impulse to destroy animals).
But the number, and potency, of those practicing the dark arts against the president grows, so people, animals, the environment, and everything can breathe easy. But Trump, his staff, and even his supporters—the spell covers “all those who abet him”—should be afraid, very afraid.
“It’s not just within the U.S.—it’s global at this point,” the shamaness divulges to The Sun. “Not everybody agrees with the spell even within the Pagan community—some people think there will be Karmic repercussions.”
One such Karmic repercussion? Everybody thinking you a lunatic.