In fairness, we Trump supporters don’t want to be sore winners, so we ought to set a time limit on our gloating. I propose three years.
In that spirit, let us revel in the Never Trumpers’ tweets leading up to Trump’s election night triumph. Now that I’ve had time to do a full archeological dig, I’m able to present a whole new treasure trove of smug idiocy.
Save this column to share with your children, and they with their children, for years to come.
** ** **
— PATTON OSWALT: Comedian who realized he wasn’t really all that funny and decided to try his hand at political commentary instead.
His tweets are a perfect time capsule of the Never Trumpers’ smug certitude that Hillary would win — which would soon blossom into bitter recrimination.
The day before the election, Oswalt was snarky and nasty, but his mood turned as election results came in:
NOV. 7:
@pattonoswalt Every artisanal cocktail bar in Williamsburg is scrambling to create a “mazel tov cocktail” right now.
@pattonoswalt Someone create this drink, ASAP. That’s what we should toast with tomorrow.
NOV. 8:
@pattonoswalt This is the final, feeble insanity of the Trump campaign being slapped down. It’s over, Donny. Get ready.
@pattonoswalt Oh God, the LAUGHTER when he appears. “Gonna lose!” It’s all gone, Don. #Election2016
NOV. 8 — LATER:
@pattonoswalt Come on, Broward County! Grind your democracy crotch on the stripper pole of freedom! #Florida #ElectionNight
@pattonoswalt f*ckf*ckf*ckf*ckf*ckF*CKF*CKF*CKF*CK #ElectionNight (Asterisks, mine.)
@pattonoswalt EVERY PUNDIT ON EVERY NETWORK IS TERRIFIED RIGHT NOW. AND EVERY ONE OF THEM CAUSED THIS TO HAPPEN. #Election2016
NOV. 8 — MUCH LATER:
@pattonoswalt Hey Chris Matthews, Trump didn’t “tap into” people’s feelings. He EXPLOITED them. He HATES people. #ElectionNight
@pattonoswalt Oh F*CK YOU Brit Hume. Don’t act like you were the one lone holdout against Trump. F*ckyouf*ckyouf*ckyou. #ElectionNight [Again, asterisks, mine.]
(Brit Hume was pretty clearly against Trump from start to finish.)
** ** **
— POLITICAL CONSULTANTS
My favorite tweets were from the Republican political consultants who have hauled in multiple millions of dollars over the years, in exchange for turning the GOP into a minor fringe party, as exemplified in these electoral results:
1992: GOP loses to a draft-dodging horndog.
1996: GOP loses to a draft-dodging horndog who tried to destroy health care.
2000: GOP barely wins an election so close it wasn’t decided until December.
2004: GOP’s wartime president wins razor-thin re-election, almost losing to a gigolo.
2006: GOP loses both houses of Congress in a historic sweep after Republican president makes amnesty centerpiece of his second term.
2012: GOP loses in an electoral landslide to president who destroyed health care, staged a disastrous intervention in Libya that got our ambassador killed, and appointed Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court.
** ** **
— MIKE MURPHY: High-priced GOP campaign consultant who help Jeb! raise $150 million from credulous donors, in order to win four (4) delegates.
NOV. 5:
Responding to: “But what will happen after he loses?”
@murphymike: A rage howl so loud you won’t need a TV set to hear it for 200 miles. #LookingForward #Earmuffs
Responding to John Noonan’s “Can’t remember how many times guys like @stuartpstevens @murphymike warned GOP about millions of new Hispanic voters”
@murphymike: Indeed.
@murphymike Oh I think I know what outcome of Jeb v HRC in FL would have been … and about eight other swing states.
(Yes, Jeb! was a political juggernaut. If only he’d had some money to get him through the primaries!)
NOV. 6:
@murphymike My big prediction: I think she’ll win FL quickly; will be clear in early numbers. Then cable news will do a huge 180 on “long night.”
@murphymike I’m still not convinced he’ll win OH. If the WSJ/NBC data today is right, I think he’ll narrowly lose Ohio. Plus FL, etc.
@murphymike Real media bias isn’t for D or R, it’s for a breathless horse race … even when fundamentals belie that.
@murphymike This Hart/POS poll of RVs is always poll I take most seriously. For zillionth time, Trump is gonna lose. FL/NC will go relatively fast.
@murphymike Prediction: HRC winning FL will lead TV heads to proclaim “nobody saw this coming” when fact is their Trump hype has been wrong all along.
NOV 7:
“Elwood” tweets to Mike: “Well mike if you do not see the end of your job we can’t help you!! Hope you get air time on how you were so wrong!”
@murphymike Oh Elwood. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow night when the networks call Florida in the 9 pm hour for Clinton and end this Trump nightmare.
NOV 8:
Responding to: “do you think trump wins?”
@murphymike: Nope. Though I will say FL is closer than I and many FL hacks thought.
Responding to: “Still think Trump loses?”
@murphymike: Yes
@murphymike I’ve believed in data for 30 years in politics and data died tonight. I could not have been more wrong about this election.
(Unfortunately, Mike was getting his “data” from The New York Times, the GOP’s best friend in the whole wide world. That’s where Mike got that great idea to have Jeb! babble in Spanish and call illegal immigration “an act of love.”)
** ** **
— STUART STEVENS: The brain trust of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign, whose smooth Hispanic outreach resulted in a smaller Hispanic vote than Trump got, while actually losing the white vote to Obama in five states.
NOV. 6:
@stuartpstevens Fascinating piece. But if Trump is so good at media, why’s he the most unpopular nominee in modern history?
@stuartpstevens As new NBC/WSJ poll shows, Trump is on track to be the first Republican to lose college educated whites since FDR era. Goldwater won them.
(Trump won college-educated whites.)
@stuartpstevens Just a little glimpse into future of a Trump party: every 4 years, electorate is 2% less white & 4% less white HS or less educated.
(Maybe GOP should stop pushing policies that make it less white faster.)
@stuartpstevens (Responding to Corey Lewandowski) Give it 48 hours to get bitter. Need to pace yourself.
@stuartpstevens (About Trump) The world is full of bitter losers who wished they could settle the score for their failures. He can work it out over shuffleboard.
NOV 7:
@stuartpstevens The “elite” seems to be anyone who won elections.
(Which Stuart Stevens didn’t.)
@stuartpstevens It’s a not an encouraging stat that Trump is losing every demographic in country that is growing. From college educated whites to Hispanics.
(Again, wrong, wrong, wrong on both whites and Hispanics.)
@stuartpstevens One of the key differences with Clinton-Trump: Clinton world understands rallies are about who is watching on television, not the crowd.
(Hillary wasn’t strategically trying to avoid drawing large crowds: She couldn’t get them. Apparently crowd size did mean something.)
@stuartpstevens Whomever you support, the professionalism & steadiness of the Clinton campaign has been impressive. They are pros. @AdamParkhomenko
(Stevens tagged a longtime Hillary aide in this tweet, so maybe, deep down, he knew that no one in the GOP would ever hire him again.)
NOV. 8:
@stuartpstevens Trump burned down the house to drive more non-college men to his side. Didn’t do better than Romney & worse with every other group.
(According to the exit polls — still preliminary — Trump not only did a LOT better than Romney with non-college-educated men, but also with Hispanics, African-Americans and Asians.)
** ** **
Today, Mike Murphy sits alone, playing Jenga with stacks of cash looted from corporate donors ($150 million, utterly wasted), and an addled Stuart Stevens wanders the streets of Manhattan, window shopping and daydreaming of the snappy suit he’ll wear to the Romney inauguration.
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