News, Notes, and Snark from the DNC

How exciting and action-packed was the 2016 Democratic National Convention? Pfizer hopes to bottle-it-up and sell it as a cure for insomnia!

So, on the off-chance that you Netflix’ed past the four-day snooze-fest, here is your 2016 convention news, notes, and snark:

1. The Democrats opened the convention by claiming that Russia was behind the embarrassing email-hacking of the DNC database that led to Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s ouster… but really, what possible motive would Putin have, since Hillary Clinton so successfully “reset” America’s relationship with Russia, in another one of her AMAZING foreign policy triumphs?
2. And regarding the (alleged) Russian hack of the DNC database that revealed how Clinton’s cronies rigged the nominating process against Senator Bernie Sanders… shouldn’t electoral fraud on a Presidential scale be AT LEAST as big a news story as, say, whether or not the speech of a candidate’s wife was partially plagiarized?
3. The next day, former President Bill Clinton addressed the DNC, telling the world how devoted he is to the “love of my life,” Hillary Clinton. It almost sounded believable… if you overlook the fact that President Clinton deposited globs and globs of personal DNA over half of Arkansas, and then used the vagina of a White House intern as a cigar humidor.
4. President Clinton also gushingly told how he, Hillary, and Chelsea watched the Police Academy movies together… which was the only positive reference to the police during the entire convention.
5. Senator Elizabeth Warren – with her unusually high cheekbones – bestowed Hillary Clinton with all sorts of wonderful accolades. The exact same accolades that she had previously bestowed upon Senator Sanders!  (I wonder if Sanders felt as if Warren was some kind of a giver…)  Either way, Senator Warren is very popular with the progressive base of the Democratic Party.  Everyone wanted to hear her speech – there were scalpers everywhere!
6. The DNC invited ex-New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg as a speaker, heralding him as a brilliant, ultra-successful chief executive… because who better than a NY billionaire who names companies after himself and was a first-time politician to conclusively prove that a NY billionaire who names companies after himself and is a first-time politician has NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER being a chief executive?
7. President Obama told the audience that Hillary Clinton is the world’s best agent of change… and you can surely trust a two-term sitting President to hope and pray that his successor will make all sorts of significant policy changes.
8. Senator Bernie Sanders pleaded with his fellow Democrats to unite behind Hillary Clinton for the good of the party… and then immediately left the Democratic Party to become an Independent again, in an obvious attempt to teach Alanis Morissette a thing or two about irony.
9. Hillary Clinton (who is a female, by the way) blasted Donald Trump in her acceptance speech, accusing him of being “temperamentally unsound” because he quickly reacts to provocations… unlike the ex-Secretary of State, who is so ice-cold and indifferent to provocations, the US Embassy could be on fire and she STILL wouldn’t react.
10. Hillary Clinton (who is a female, by the way) made it clear that she had absolutely nothing to do with the growth of ISIS, rising crime, the ongoing economic malaise, global terrorism, the chaos in the Middle East, the depletion of the American workforce, the shrinking of our industrial base, the worsening of race relations, our geo-political polarization, Benghazi, our job-destroying trade treaties, or the destruction of the American dream. So naturally, she’s running on her experience.