Fox News Reports on the Tangled Web of Clinton Cash

On Friday night, Fox News aired a one-hour special on ‘The Tangled Clinton Web,” providing a fine summary of the scandals thus far spinning out of Peter Schweizer‘s new book Clinton Cash: The Untold Story of How and Why Foreign Governments and Businesses Helped Make Bill and Hillary Rich.

It’s all pretty overwhelming when put together in one place.  The Clinton hatchet men and spin doctors trying to wish this mess out to the cornfield look ridiculous.

All those favorable deals and special waivers given to foreign companies right after they slipped wads of cash to the Clinton Foundation, and tucked insane six-figure speaking fees into Bill and Hillary’s pockets?  Why, that was all just an amazing string of coincidences, stretching out over decades, and adding up to over a billion dollars of Clinton loot!

Sure, it’s pure coincidence that disaster-ravaged Haiti’s first gold-mining permits in 50 years just happened to go to an inexperienced mining company that had Hillary’s brother Tony Rodham on its board.

It’s just a roll of the dice, a stroke of random fate, that cell phone company Digicel sucked up lucrative contracts and came to dominate the Haitian market after its billionaire owner wrote a few seven-figure checks to the Clinton Foundation and arranged ridiculously overpaid speaking engagements for Bill Clinton, who just happened to have a commanding position in the Haitian relief effort.

There’s nothing untoward at all about U.S. mega-corporations with deep ties to the Clintons profiting handsomely from cheap Haitian labor, while farmers are thrown off their land to make room for a useless industrial park that gobbled up $100 million in American taxpayer subsidies while producing less than ten percent of the promised jobs for Haitians – jobs that pay as little as five bucks a day.  The major tenant of that industrial park just happens to be a Korean company that gives big bucks to the Clintons.  What are the odds, right?

It’s pure happenstance that business interests and foreign governments kept getting what they wanted from Secretary of State Hillary Clinton after donating to her foundation, or arranging lucrative speaking engagements for the Secretary and her husband.

Hillary, who used to strongly oppose foreign governments buying up American business interests — as in the case of the Dubai ports deal — spontaneously changed her mind and decided that selling twenty percent of the U.S. uranium market to a company owned by Vladimir Putin.  It had nothing whatsoever to do with fat Clinton Foundation donations from the shadowy Canadian magnate whose shell company blossomed into a massive uranium superstore with a little help from Bill Clinton… whose assistance in persuading the government of Kazakhstan to sell uranium mines to Frank Giustra was so honorable and aboveboard that they furiously denied it, until the documented truth came out, including photographs of a supposedly non-existent meeting with the Kazakhs at the Clinton’s mansion.

All that foreign cash flowing into the Clinton Foundation was clean and pure as the wind-driven snow.  It’s absolutely one hundred percent coincidental that they just happened to report exactly none of it to the IRS and Obama Administration for three years running.  Silly little mistake, could happen to anyone, and as we all know, the IRS doesn’t really care if you misreport millions of dollars in income.  You can just refile the paperwork at your leisure — say, after someone writes a bombshell book about your activities.  No harm, no foul.

Here’s another funny little coincidence: the Clinton Foundation claimed that only one official of that giant uranium company the Russians ended up owning ever donated to them, and it was a measly $250,000.  But you know what?  The media went over Canadian tax records — which Hillary Clinton apparently can’t delete — and found millions of dollars flowing into the Clinton machine at the exact moment Secretary of State Hillary was signing off on the uranium purchase.

It was pure dumb luck that Bill Clinton’s speaking fees soared after his wife became Secretary of State, and her power became immensely valuable to the people who coincidentally began paying Bill $500,000 or even $750,000 to ramble on for an hour.  The ex-President was averaging $150k for a speech before that, but suddenly companies and governments that wanted State Department influence began paying him five or six times as much, for no reason whatsoever.  It was like winning the lottery!

(Let us pause here to remember that Hillary Clinton rails tirelessly against excessive CEO pay, which she thinks is one of the biggest problems in America, even though she and her husband can best the annual salary of most CEOs by giving one speech apiece.)

Yes, it’s all just a mountain of crazy coincidences, goofy mistakes, and a bit of absent-mindedness whenever the Clinton machine had to file a financial report.  Everything else you’re going to hear about over the coming weeks related to Clinton money was a coincidence, too.  It’s also pure random chance that Hillary just happens to have deleted a towering mountain of subpoenaed emails from the private server she wasn’t supposed to have – you remember, the one she shamelessly lied to you about setting up because she didn’t want to carry two cell phones.