Conversation Between a Hedge Funder and a Democratic Fundraiser

Fundraiser: “I’m calling about the renewal of your membership in the Jefferson Trust.”

Hedge Funder: “Oh yeah, that thing. The thing Andrew Cuomo is a part of.”

Fundraiser: “No, sir. That’s the Democratic Governors Association. The–“

Hedge Funder: “Oh, the thing run by that senator from Colorado, what’s his name?”

Fundraiser: “That would be the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, chaired by Sen. Bennet of Colorado.”

Hedge Funder: “Right, right. That was what Chucky Schumer sold me on. So what are you? Are you the House campaign committee? That guy Steve Israel has been after me. I live in his district, I think. But I don’t know him.”

Fundraiser: “Yes, Congressman Israel does a great job as head of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. But the Jefferson Trust is different. The JT is the giving community of the most senior stakeholders for the Democratic National Committee, chaired by Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz. She would like to invite you–“

Hedge Funder: “Oh, I remember now. I’m a member of that. Or maybe it was in my wife’s name–my ex-wife’s name. Yeah, I’m still a good Democrat. Yeah. Okay, I’m in for $100k for the next year. I’ll put my assistant on the line–“

Fundraiser: “I was actually hoping that we might, please, be able to see if, as part of your renewal, sir, you could increase your contribution. As Chairwoman Wasserman Schultz reminds us, this is a very important election year.”

Hedge Funder: “Look, they’re all important. I get that. I can do a hundred, but that’s it.”

Fundraiser: “But President Obama has been working closely with Chairwoman Wasserman Schultz. They agree that this is a critical election, and so the President joins with the Chairwoman in urging all senior stakeholders to seriously consider increasing their commitment to the Jefferson Trust and to the Democratic National Committee.”

Hedge Funder: “Look, Miss, or should I say, Ms., you’re getting on my nerves. I know the drill here–I’m a busy man.”

Fundraiser: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t wish to take any more of your time. Chairwoman Wasserman Schultz is grateful–“

Hedge Funder: “Yeah, yeah. I’m sure she is. Let me ask you, Miss, I mean Ms. Do you talk to the Debbie much?”

Fundraiser: “Yes. She talks to those of us on her finance team all the time.”

Hedge Funder: “Great. Here’s what I want you to tell her.”

Fundraiser: “Yes, sir–“

Hedge Funder: “I want you to tell her that she needs to grow a pair.”

Fundraiser: “Excuse me?”

Hedge Funder: “I want you to tell her that she needs to get tough. Like Alan Grayson. He’s her House colleague, no? They’re both from Florida, right?

Fundraiser: “Yes, sir. But I think that–“

Hedge Funder: “Grayson is a fighter. He tells it like it is. Sometimes you have to stand up and fight. Debbie should know that, too.”

Fundraiser: “But sir–“

Hedge Funder: “That’s the price of my hundred grand.”

Fundraiser: “Yes, sir. I will certainly pass that along. I’ll be sure to tell the Chairwoman that you think she should be tougher on the Republicans.”

Hedge Funder: “Like Alan Grayson. He’s a mensch, and a tough mother, both. I’ve learned in my business that it pays to be aggressive. He who dares wins.”

Fundraiser: “Yes, sir, I am glad we can count on your support. I will pass on your advice. And I hope that we will see you at our next meeting of the Jefferson Trust–“

Hedge Funder: “Okay, just one question: Is my ex-wife still in this thing? The Jefferson Trust? Have you talked to her? Is she on your list?”

Fundraiser: “Well, sir, I can tell you that she is still involved with the Jefferson Trust, yes.”

Hedge Funder: “Hmmm. What has she told you? About us? Will she be at the meeting?”

Fundraiser: “I can’t confirm anything, sir, but if you think there would be any awkwardness at a meeting, I can certainly let you know well in advance of your possible attendance.”

Hedge Funder: “And what about that boyfriend of hers? That putz! Could he be there?”

Fundraiser: “I can assure you, sir, that it’s very important to us at the Jefferson Trust that our donor community meetings go smoothly, and that there’s no awkwardness for anyone involved. You have my word on that; I will keep you updated on the other attendees at the next meeting. But Chairwoman Wasserman Schultz would be very grateful if we could be assured, now, of your continued commitment.”

Hedge Funder: “Okay, okay. I’m in. But before the next meeting of this thing, I need to know if she’ll be there or not. If she’s there, I can’t be. I don’t want to see her. I’ll come to another meeting.”

Fundraiser: “Yes, sir, I will do that. And thank you, sir. I will pass on to the Chairwoman your point about the value of always standing up. And I will make sure to let you know of attendance plans so that you don’t accidentally bump into your ex-wife and her fiancé.”

Hedge Funder: “Her what? Her fiancé?”

Fundraiser: “I’m sorry, sir, I thought you knew about their engagement. But it’s not my place. I’m just a fundraiser. I could easily have misheard what she said.”

Hedge Funder: “My wife got involved in politics because she supported a woman’s right to choose, and now, this. She chose, alright–she chose him. Oy!”

Fundraiser: “Once again, thank you sir. I will pass on your get-tough advice to the Chairwoman. Yes, we all must be tough. Even as we support a woman’s right to choose!”