Thank you, Mr. President!
With one heroic decision, you have saved us eight trillion times more than you ever cost us!
By resisting public pressure to build the Death Star you have saved us $850 quadrillion, according to your science adviser.
Although you pushed us $6 trillion further into debt than when you took office, this new savings is eight trillion times greater. According to calculations by Paul Krugman and Jack Lew, we are now in the black.
So why aren’t you taking credit? At your press conference, you claimed you’ve made spending cuts already of $2.5 trillion. Pshaw. That’s chump change.
Plus, you also should claim bragging rights for saving us from an assault weapon.
Unfortunately, your celebrated modesty is holding you back.
The money saved by not building the Death Star is every bit as genuine as the paltry $2.5 trillion you already claim you have cut from federal spending. So take credit for it. Quit using that ridiculous $2.5 trillion number. Tell the press that you’ve saved us $850 quadrillion. They’ll believe you and eagerly pass the word.
As always, the media will promote your theme slavishly. For example:
- Rachel Maddow will celebrate with a Princess Leia hairdo.
- Ed Schultz will cross-dress as Jabba the Hutt
- The New York Times will publish a list of planets you’ve saved from destruction by not building the Death Star.
- Chris Matthews will take the nickname of Obi-Yawn.
This can become a springboard for future fiscal triumphs. For starters, how about a Presidential Commission to propose more things we can not build, to increase the savings! And to magnify the numbers, every project not built must specify union labor and mandatory prevailing wage laws. Be sure to include high-speed rail.
As your just reward for saving our economy, Mr. President, I propose that yours be the face on the $1 trillion platinum coin. And a $1 quadrillion plastic coin as well.
May the Farce be with you!