Secret Service Agents: We Were Too Drunk To Have Sex

Last night, President Obama appeared on Jimmy Fallon’s unwatchable late-night show – a show most notable for Fallon’s almost-incredible inability to keep a straight face while telling the world’s least funny jokes – to discuss the Secret Service prostitution scandal. “The Secret Service, these guys are incredible,” Obama said. “They protect me, they protect our girls. A couple of knuckleheads shouldn’t detract from what they do. What they were thinking, I don’t know. That’s why they’re not there anymore.”

But the Secret Service agents in question don’t need Obama’s help in their defense. They’ve got a new one all lined up: they didn’t have sex with the prostitutes because they were too drunk to do so. As the Washington Post reports, “The people familiar with the accused employees said some of them have said there was no sexual activity because the men were so drunk that they fell asleep immediately after bringing the women to their rooms.” This may be the first time in recorded history that the “too drunk to have sex” defense has actually been leveraged.

The Post story also quotes multiple unnamed agents who defended their colleagues, explaining that having sex with prostitutes should have no impact on their ability to do their job; some sources also harkened back to 2009, when Secret Service agents assigned to President Clinton partied it up with strippers. “Some guys could have a good time Wednesday night, and Friday morning they would be on their post, shaved and ready to go,” said one agent.

The White House, of course, has largely covered up the scandal; instead of appointing an independent investigator, they’ve assigned their own person, who then exonerated the White House. They say sunlight is the best disinfectant. Now would be a good time to apply it, if only to avoid a syphilis outbreak.