BILL DALEY: You shouldn’t have used the phrase “leading from behind” last spring when you spoke off the record about Libya, Mr. Vice-President.
BIDEN: Well, I didn’t, Billy boy. I said Hillary was leading with her behind. Or maybe I said the whole NATO operation was like the blind leading the blind. I don’t remember. But the guy misquoted me.
OBAMA: No lasting harm. Research and Destroy knocked that off the front pages fast with the Cain revelations.
DAVID PLOUFFE: Oh, Mr. President, the Smithsonian taxidermist just delivered Gaddafi’s head.
OBAMA: Okay. Tell Housekeeping to mount it above the mantel in the Residence, next to bin Laden’s. And remind them to leave room for Baby Assad and Boehner.
VALERIE JARRETT: Sir, the Libya bump is fading since Fox reported diehard Islamists have seized control of the country and Gaddafi’s massive stock of surface-to-air missiles.
BIDEN: Damn Ailes, trying to make people think we shoulda known that could happen.
HILLARY CLINTON: Mr. President, a faction of the Libyan ruling junta assured me when I was there showcasing Smart Power™ a few weeks back that they’ll work with us to secure the missiles–if they survive the coming purges by al-Qaeda hardliners.
OBAMA: Whatever happens, the Libyan denouement has been a nice diversion recently. But the Cain thing is petering out and attention is swinging back to the economy.
JARRETT: As well as scandals like Gunwalker and Solyndra that Jonathan Alter–bless his loyal, simple heart–and our pussycat media have ignored.
HILLARY: Perhaps we need a bank of foreign distractions to draw on through next November, sir.
OBAMA: Good thinking. Hmm. Here’s an idea. Hillary, get Prime Minister Ahmadinejad on the hot line, please.
[pause]
Hello, Mahmoud? It’s Barack. Uh, Obama. Yes, yes, Hussein, American president. Peace be with you, sir.
”Death to America”? Ha Ha Haaaa! Funny, you sound just like my former pastor when you say that.
No no no. Libya was an aberration. Gaddafi asked for it when he gave up his nuclear program.
Listen, can we meet? Maybe resolve our countries’ differences?
Tehran, January? Absolutely. I’ll clear my schedule. Now, my people tell me we shouldn’t meet without preconditions. What are your preconditions, sir?
Completely out of Iraq before I arrive? Way ahead of you, Mahmoud. I’ve already cut the orders.
[pause]
Oh, sure. We’ll leave bases intact for your use should Iraq become a part of Greater Iran. Waste not, want not. Anything else?
Agreed. I’ll recall our ambassador to Israel.
I understand. In fact, I told Netanyahu yesterday I’m implementing a variation of our ”One China” policy vis-à-vis the Jewish state and Palestinians. We’re calling the initiative our ”One Palestine” kowtow.
A good faith gesture? Um, how about our weapons specialists working with Iranian scientists to ensure your nuclear bombs are reasonably clean. That’ll limit damage to the environment when you use them.
May I ask for a good faith gesture in return, sir?
You’ll use your influence with al-Qaeda to guarantee that soldiers captured during our withdrawal will enjoy the option to convert? I don’t. . . . Ah, conversion entitles them to be beheaded with a sharp knife rather than a dull one. Yes, indeed, Allah is merciful.
See you in January, inshallah.
[hangs up]
That went well. Maybe a breakthrough.
BIDEN: Good on ya, Chief.
OBAMA: Okay, Diversion Number Two for, say, next spring? Anybody?
HILLARY: North Korea, sir? We’re still dead in the water there.
BIDEN: She’s onta somethin’, Boss. I say we pursue a, whatchamacallit, quid pro nililum approach with the Hermit Klingon– unabashed groveling absent expectation of anything in return.
HILLARY: Kim will expect us to offer something concrete in exchange for nothing, sir.
OBAMA: Hmm. I’ll authorize an Executive Action extending health coverage to North Korea’s 23 million . . . uh, what? [Hillary whispers into his ear] Oh, since yesterday? All right, North Korea’s 22 million people. HHS?
KATHLEEN SEBELIUS: The “DPRK Wellness Program” is already on the books in my safe, sir. You could announce it’s imperative we implement the coverage immediately to get America’s economy moving again.
HILLARY: Preliminary talks with Kim on this matter took place just after you assumed office, sir. He insisted end-of-life counseling be mandated for all North Korean citizens, regardless of medical condition.
OBAMA: Wily old Troll. Who says he doesn’t care about his people. Now, let’s plan a really big diplomatic distraction for next fall.
HILLARY: You’re overdue for an “America Apology” trip, sir.
OBAMA: True. Arrange a state visit to Havana in September, Hillary. I’ll tell Castro I’m sorry for decades of American interference with Cuban efforts to destabilize the Southern Hemisphere.
ERIC HOLDER: Match words with actions, sir. Pledge to vacate Guantanamo Bay once the man-made disaster suspects being held die of old age.
HILLARY: That’s would be a powerful humanitarian gesture, Mr. President. Cuba’s prison population is exploding, and Castro’s assured us the facility would house political prisoners who might otherwise be shot because there is no more room in Cuban dungeons.
OBAMA: Well, Human Rights Watch will be pleased. Eric, let’s also offer blanket amnesty and citizenship to Cuban provocateurs, assassins, and double agents who have been operating in the shadows since arriving in Florida as Marielitos in 1980.
JARRETT: The right thing to do, sir. Many of those people still pose as refugees, living in fear, running from safe house to safe house one step ahead of the FBI. Let them do their jobs without us looking over their shoulders.
HOLDER: I’ll waive attendance at the mass recitation of the Oath of Citizenship for Cuban nationals who choose to skip the event rather than risk their cover.
OBAMA: Good. In the lead up, I’ll issue a general pardon to Marco Rubio for any activities he engaged in prior to. . . .
[enter First Lady]
MICHELLE: Michael Jordan’s here for your one-on-one. Don’t let him blow by you on your left. You hear me, Barack?
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