JAY CARNEY: Sir, word from the Senate on your American Jobs Act. Majority Leader Reid is complaining of constipation. Says he’s been pushing since yesterday, but he can’t pass the bill.
OBAMA: Merde! After I did all the heavy lifting. Damn do-nothing Congress.
VALERIE JARRETT: Good thing you’re leaving the country next week, sir. No one can blame you if the measure tanks when you’re abroad on official business.
OBAMA: Where am I off to?
BILL DALEY: You’ll begin your working tour of Scotland’s golf courses on Monday, sir. Meanwhile, the First Lady and several dozen close friends and family members are already aboard the presidential yacht, Alinsky, en route to the Galapagos for a holiday.
OBAMA: Message her confirmation that we’ll rendezvous a week from Friday on the Côte d’Azur. When do I return home?
DALEY: Um, we want to be flexible, sir. Tell him, Poll Boy.
CHUCK TODD: Recent surveys indicate hiring spikes and an uptick in consumer confidence when you’re away, sir. It’s as if some great weight was lifted from. . . . .
OBAMA: I get it, Chuck. All right. Add Ireland to my itinerary. Inform Michelle I’ll join her on the Riviera October 1st. Eric, do you have this “Gunwalker” thing under control?
HOLDER: I believe I can stall the investigation until after the election, sir. But God help us if they find out about “Nukewalker.”
JOE BIDEN: Hey Boss, lookit this: Maxine Waters is slapping you upside the head again on Good Morning America.
OBAMA: What is Maxine’s problem with me?
JARRETT: She’s ginning up a rift with you to distract attention from the Ethics Committee’s investigation into charges she peddled influence, sir.
OBAMA: So, she’d stop if I pardoned her?
ERIC HOLDER: Can’t, sir. It’s a congressional matter involving ethics, not criminality.
OBAMA: That committee has been punting on her case for over a year. She won’t get off my case until they rule, which may not happen in my lifetime. I’d talk to her, but she scares me more than Michelle.
JOE BIDEN: I gotta idea, Boss. Make her an offer she can’t refuse: resign her seat and she becomes your Special Envoy to Africa. Big staff, her own plane. She could put it on her mausoleum.
OBAMA: You’re thinking Roland Burris, Joe. Still. . . . Val, reach out to the lady and feel her out on Joe’s suggestion. Tell her I’ll throw in the Medal of Freedom.
DAVID PLOUFFE: On another matter, sir: both Perry and Romney looked pretty good in the debates.
OBAMA: I know. Brian, you were a pussycat running the first one. What happened?
WILLIAMS: [defensively] I did my job, sir. Politico‘s Harris was a lightweight, let himself get pushed around. Next time I’ll have Hoffa and Trumka as co-moderators. Somebody dodges a question or comes after us like Newt did, they’ll break his legs.
BIDEN: Perry worries me, Boss.
OBAMA: Hmm. Half of Texas is on fire. How can we play that to our advantage?
PLOUFFE: Designate the whole state a national disaster area.
OBAMA: Don’t you mean, “natural disaster area”?
PLOUFFE: No, sir. In the heat of the moment, who’ll notice the substitution of “national” for “natural”? If he gets the nomination, we’ll run ad after ad declaring that Texas was officially declared a national disaster and had to be bailed out by the federal government.
OBAMA: Good. Now, even though an election’s around the corner, we must continue our assault on private enterprise. Let’s see: transportation, check; health care, check; energy, check; finance, check. What’s our next target, Bill?
DALEY: Agribusiness, sir. It’s too big to fail, and that’s our way in. When we control corn, soybeans, and wheat, everyone on earth will be eating out of our hands.
OBAMA: Saving Big Farma . . . for humanity. I like it. Tim, make sure our new TARP forces funds on any agricultural entity with more than two tractors. They take government money, we own ’em.
GEITHNER: Never get through the House, sir.
OBAMA: Congress is out of the loop on this one, Tim: TARP now means, “Treasury Assets Requested by President.” Consider it an executive order. What other pies can we get our finger into?
PLOUFFE: How about Hollywood, sir? Most feature films flop. The film industry could use the steady hand of government to right things.
OBAMA: Agreed. Tim, find some loose change and buy 51% stakes in the major studios. Then merge those entities into one film company called, um, DC Productions, run by the FCC in the public interest. Look into a federal takeover of Big Porno, too.
[phone rings. Daley answers]
DALEY: Sir, it’s the First Lady on a secure line from the Alinsky. I’ll put it on speaker.
MICHELLE: I don’t care if they’re endangered. Tell the Ecuadorians I promised a staffer I’d bring back a tortoise for her daughter’s show-and-tell. . . . Hello, am I coming in, Metro Guy?
OBAMA: Yes, dear. Loud and clear.
MICHELLE: Book the shuttle Atlantis for our anniversary on October 3rd. This year, I’m in the mood for a romantic dinner over the earth and under the stars. You hear me, Barack?
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