Obama War Room: Debt Deal Postmortem

BILL DALEY: The delegation is here, sir.

OBAMA: All right. Bring them in. Let’s get this over with.

[enter Clintons, DNC Chair, Reid, Pelosi, Pollster John Zogby, Jesse Jackson, George Soros]

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: John, tell the President what you told us.

ZOGBY: The debt-ceiling deal hasn’t helped you, sir. We’ve just completed a telephone survey of 1000 people. 10% said they would hold their noses and vote to reelect you; 10% complained the aides were mean, the kids never visited, and the home smelled like disinfectant; and 80% vowed to vote for your opponent, whoever he is.

OBAMA: Bad, yes, but there’s still time to . . . .

NANCY PELOSI: Tell him the rest, John.

ZOGBY: The survey was limited to Democrats in Ms. Pelosi’s district, sir. Of those who swear you won’t get their vote, 40% say they plan to register and cast ballots in neighboring districts as well.

PELOSI: Obviously, they’re good Democrats, sir. They’ve simply had it with you.

OBAMA: So, you want me to stand down in 2012 for . . . Hillary?

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: God no, sir. It’d look like we pushed you out. Poof goes the black vote. We want you to run but . . . welcome her primary challenge.

VALERIE JARRETT: Ah, I get it. He’s supposed to lose gracefully, then stump for Hillary next fall in places like Harlem, Watts, and Liberty City, where his approval rating is holding steady at 97%. I’d pass, sir.

HILLARY: Way I look at it, Mr. President, Billy Jeff here broke trail for you in the 90s. “First Black President,” and all. You owe us.

BILL CLINTON: True dat, man. Who’s your Daddy? Me! Hillary, she’s family. And you cut her, man, back in ’08. She was bangin’ ’til you come along. Wasn’t right, turnin’ on a sister, way you did.

HILLARY: We didn’t go looking for those pictures of you campaigning for Gus Hall when he ran for president on the Communist Party ticket in ’84, Barack.

BILL: Or that tape of your “Community Activists–Today and Tomorrow” speech in Havana in ’88.

HILLARY: We’ll do everything we can to keep them from seeing the light of day. But you have to work with us.

BILL: Ya got game, man; however, your time is over. Pump those brakes, bro.

OBAMA: Jesse, I can’t believe you’re with them, and turning on me.

JACKSON: I’m going to be Secretary of Reparations in Hillary’s cabinet, Mr. President. I’m begging you, be part of the solution to save our revolution, and I’ll make restitution by spurring redistribution . Hey Carney, that’s not for attribution.

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Hillary is the wife of the Man from Hope, sir. Keep hope alive.

OBAMA: You’re asking a lot. Joe, this affects you. Any questions for Hillary?

BIDEN: I do, Boss. Ma’m, do you think the rain will affect the rhubarb?

HARRY REID: Never mind him, Mr. President. Consider the long term with an Orwellian twist: “Winning is losing.”

BILL: If you’re our nominee, the Repugs get energized. They’ll put their squabbling aside and coalesce around their candidate. A nightmare scenario for us.

GEORGE SOROS: Yah. You vill loose, und ze party vill loose. I vill be oopset. It’s my party, und I vill cry if I vant to, cry if I . . . .

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: George is heavily invested in our success, sir.

OBAMA: What’s in this for me?

REID: You don’t face voters in a general election. You go out head held high, dignity intact.

PELOSI: The country’s hungry for Clinton II, sir. When Hillary wins, the GOP splinters and the Tea Party goes third party. It’ll take ten or twenty years for them to get their act back together.

HILLARY: Meanwhile, I’d appoint you U. N. Ambassador, Federal Reserve Chairman, Disney CEO–whatever you wanted. How does Chief Justice of the Supreme Court sound?

BILL: But Honey, you promised me that . . . .

HILLARY: I’m the court of last resort in your world, Bill.

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: In 2020, you run to succeed Hillary, Mr. President. By then, you’re what, barely 60, and a fresh face again, with years of unaccountability behind you, like the old days.

OBAMA: You seem positive Hillary would trounce me in the primaries.

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Well, we’d need your help to ensure it happens. For example, keep Biden on the ticket; play golf more often with Boehner; hold weekly press conferences until everyone’s sick of having you in their living rooms; and announce everywhere you go that a nuclear waste repository is under consideration for that community.

REID: The idea is to damage yourself in the short-term with petty stuff no one will remember a decade later.

OBAMA: Ok, I guess I’m in. But I still think I could win the nomination, without even trying to.

HILLARY: No, you won’t, because there’s a failsafe. Couple of weeks after I resign from State and declare my candidacy, I’ll “discover” that Bill’s been foolin’ around with an airline stewardess. I’ll dump his stuff in the yard at Chappaqua in front of the cameras. We’ll divorce. Then he’ll tell the world he’s joining your campaign.

BILL: Huh? You never told me . . . .

HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill. We do what we have to. You should know by now: whoever you’re for always goes down. Law of nature.