Seriously, I’m getting really tired of all the comments accusing my articles of being satirical. Cut it out. It’s not funny and you cannot defend the indefensible. I’m pressing on anyway with my plan for fixing America.
Foreclosures
The housing crisis is completely and entirely the fault of the banks. I reject the notion that borrowers had any culpability whatsoever. All those rules and regulations made it necessary to have a Ph.D. to understand all those mortgage documents. There was too much paperwork for any borrower to actually wade through and read. And don’t give me the excuse that all that paperwork was the result of government regulation. We needed all that paperwork so that banks wouldn’t take advantage of borrowers. And even though we had all that paperwork, they still took advantage of borrowers. Everybody knows that nobody reads contracts, so saying that it was the borrower’s fault for signing something they didn’t understand makes no sense. The borrowers were all duped into signing all that mortgage paperwork and didn’t understand that mortgage rates would reset and that they couldn’t afford to own the home. Besides, the housing bubble was so out of control that who could blame a borrower for wanting to cash in? Everybody else was!
So I say that anybody who can’t pay their mortgage should not have to pay their mortgage. Banks should be forced to modify any loan that any borrower has fallen behind on. They should modify it so that the borrower can live in the house for as long as they want as long as they can’t pay the mortgage. The bank never should have approved the loan in the first place, even though the loan documents weren’t necessarily truthful. The banks should be able to read people’s mind, and since they can’t, they should pay the price.
For everyone who has paid their mortgage on time, why should you get a break for being responsible?
Gun Control
We have to get all guns off the street. The Second Amendment was intended for people who had to repel invaders with muskets. There are no more muskets, and the only invaders will have bombs strapped to their chests or flying airplanes into buildings. Guns are useless. Shooting caribou is stupid, and it makes animals suffer, and that isn’t a sport. It’s just mean and cruel. You don’t need a gun to defend your house. The risk of the gun going off accidentally and killing someone in your house is too great a risk to have. If you can’t understand a mortgage document, you cannot understand how to handle a gun.
Criminals can be given incentives to turn in guns, because the only reason criminals have guns is they are misunderstood and don’t have after-school programs. The Federal Reserve can offer coupons for Chuck E. Cheese in exchange for guns. The coupons offer 2000 free tokens and 20 free meals, and we can pass legislation forcing the company to offer this since it will be better for society.
Congressional Ethics
I don’t see what the big deal is with Weinergate. Bill Clinton fooled around with that girl and got away with it. He didn’t even have to resign. So unless somebody does worse than Bill Clinton, they should be left alone to do whatever they please. There is one exception, and that’s for Republicans. If a Republican ever once says something publicly about morals or values, or gets so much as a parking ticket, then they should be impeached and forced to resign. They have to live lives of perfection. We Democrats don’t see any moral problem with a guy like Weiner who sent a completely inappropriate photo of his junk to another woman, then lied about it publicly, accused an innocent man named Breitbert of hacking his account, exchanged texts with another woman and planned to cheat on his wife with her, and with yet another woman, he coached her to lie. Moral relativism is the way to go.
Light Bulbs
I don’t think Congress went far enough in banning regular light bulbs. We should ban the fluorescent ones as well because they still cause global warming, even though it happens at a slower rate. No light bulbs for anyone, ever. In the olden days, people used candles. We should return to the Dark Ages because folks got by just fine that way at night. Plus there’s the sun. Without any light bulbs being allowed, then people will be forced to use solar panels to create power.
The Internet
There are way too many stupid people out there who have a voice when they shouldn’t. The internets give everyone freedom of speech even when they say hateful things. The government should give a trillion dollar grant to George Soros to hire an army of people to read every single page on the internet, and anybody who says something hateful gets their IP revoked, just like those online poker sites. We can trust Soros to be totally fair in determining who is speaking hateful speech because he survived the Holocaust by collaborating with the Nazis, so he knows exactly what kind of speech is hate speech.