As Obama’s three simultaneous “Kinetic Military Actions” devolve into blame games and leadership refusals, everyone is wondering about the Obama Doctrine. What is it, how does it work, and has it been implemented? Thanks to the famous Powell Doctrine of the early 90’s most associate such statements of principle with war. However, Obama’s vision is far too lofty to be bogged down solely in military matters.

After all, the mainstream media has made it clear. The 44th President is nearly omnipotent. He’s so wise that any strategy he develops will take into account every fluid facet of a constantly changing, globally interconnected, world stage.

That’s not to say that the President would be satisfied with a plan of action that covered international incidents alone. Problems can arise anywhere – even at home. So it’s vital that any plan of action be applicable to domestic affairs as well.

With that in mind, allow me to present the Obama Doctrine: Five simple steps that can handle any national emergency, crisis, or disaster.

STEP ONE: Do nothing until doing nothing becomes politically unfeasible.

Jumping into a leadership position too quickly exposes your weaknesses, your paper thin intel, and your lack of experience. Rushing to get a handle on a burgeoning situation may help in the long run, but decisions are hard, success is uncertain, and mistakes are virtually guaranteed. These will present your “enemies” with ammunition that they will undoubtedly use in 2012. So, sit back, relax, and allow things to play out for as long as possible.

The American people’s tolerance for inaction will vary according to the situation but a general guidline is: 30 days for a response to a terrorist action, 2-3 months for a natural disaster on home soil.

Remember, most problems, if ignored long enough, will solve themselves or simply go away. If, however, the problem persists, see Step Two.

STEP TWO: A vague, well delivered, statement will buy you another two weeks.

There may be times when doing nothing just isn’t enough. If you’ve waited for a problem to go away, but it’s still distracting you from your goal of “rebuilding America,” then it’s time to do something that will look Presidential. A well delivered statement, void of detail, should buy you another two weeks.

Inform the American people that everything is under control. Be aware that your audience is composed of simple people who can scarcely comprehend the difficulty of your job. Keep that in mind as you try to comfort them. Couple a determined tone of voice with soothing platitudes about tolerance. Remember: NO SPECIFICS.

Your statement should be as vague as possible, though presented clearly and concisely. Let the voters know that the situation is being thoroughly studied by top men in the affected fields. Depending on the nature of the problem, these include climatologists, lawyers, regulators, and comparative religion majors. If all else fails, bring in a general. Stand next to him, drawing “gravitas” from his uniform.

Let the people know that nothing will be done until the right course of action becomes clear. In cases of terrorism, this is a good time to utilize the “lone crackpot” argument.

STEP THREE: Repeat step two.

Issue a second statement, similar to the first, though containing a few more details regarding the situation. Drop the “lone crackpot” argument. Unlike step two, this will only buy you five days before you’re forced to move on to step four.

STEP FOUR: Go on vacation

The American people love images of a good looking family enjoying a vacation together. This is a good time to indulge them!

Remember to pick a destination that’s expensive and/or difficult to reach. This will keep most of the American media away. Foreign countries, particularly those in South America and Asia, are good options. If leaving the U.S. is impossible, due to public opinion or the emergency itself, try to rent vacation space in a gated community. It can get pricey, but it will keep the riff-raff out, allowing you to control the narrative.

Always return from vacation alone, a week before your family. This will give the impression that you are genuinely concerned about the crisis at hand and are willing to sacrifice your good time to handle it. Allowing the wife and kids to continue the fun without you will remind people what a great family man you are.

STEP FIVE: Make a decision and do something.

If, after steps one through four, the emergency persists, you may be forced to take action. This is unfortunate, as any tangible decision carries with it the potential for failure. You can guard against this in the planning stages by placing subordinates in leadership positions, while you take a backseat to their obvious expertise.

Since it’s clear that the American people are resistant to most of your policy decisions, try to avoid making them your own. Military crisis? Leave it to the Secretary of State. Financial Crisis? That’s the Fed Chairman’s problem. Natural disaster? Get FEMA and the science team on the phone.

Inform the media of the proper way to report on your handling of the crisis, and enjoy the plausible deniability your underlings provide. Regardless of actual outcome, if the press does its job, your success will be lauded. Pat yourself on the back during the next State of the Union address!

APPENDIX

A: Step one, two, and three applied during such crises as Iran Uprising, Gulf Oil Spill, Christmas Bomber, Fort Hood, and Libya. Lesson learned during Beer Summit fiasco.

B: Step one instantly void if crisis can be used to further political career, dismantling of Constitution, or “rebuilding” agenda. See Giffords, Garbrielle

C: Control over media lackeys key to overall plan. If left loses such control, all bets off.

By following these five easy and enjoyable steps, Barack Obama has found the roadmap to a Presidency free of Personal risk. The people he governs may face hardship as a result, but honestly, that’s not really his problem. If, however, American suffering begins to rise to level of a crisis, see Step One.