Seize Freedom!-Why Not?

How’re y’all doin’? I’m Dinky McSweeney, candidate for Michigan State Senate in 0’11.

I know what you’re thinkin: How did a numb nuts like me, who was livin’ in a Super Bugger with his exotic Thai buddy Chowsers and bummin’ dimes playin’ bass in parkin’ garages, evolve into the Adonis you revere today? Ain’t no secret. All I’ve accomplished and become is because of the book Seize Freedom! by Congressbum Thaddeus McCotter.

It’s my manifesto and muse – a true celebration of unashamed sovereign self-fulfillment. As you bear witness to my transfiguration, fear not! There’s room for two on my cloud. Seize Freedom! is so eloquent and emotive, it made me into me; and it can change you into me.

Look it: One day in a fit of lonely desperation after a particularly gruelin’ tickle fight at the pettin’ zoo, the old me found Seize Freedom! in my man Chowsers’ sock draw. Bein’ curious by nature, I took a teensy peek. By the time Chowers burst into the room and bit my ankle, I was two chapters into it and realized this was not what I expected. I quickly dislodged Chowsers with a rolled up Lane Bryant catalogue from the nightstand, and caught a glimpse of myself in the little fella’s vanity mirror, which hangs a foot and a half lower than usual. Sure, I kinda let myself go a bit over the years, but I was startled by my reflection’s new air of dignity and self-respect. I was puzzled by these new sensations. Where did they come from? I reverently hung my head and, by chance, locked eyes with Chowsers, who’s jowls were about to sever my Achilles tendon.

It was then, like a heavy metal power chord across my cranium, from Chowsers’ frothing mouth uttered three words… “It’s the book, you dumbass.” At that sublime moment, a bottle of body paint fell from the top of the armoire where I’d hidden it from Chowsers, and it gently spilled its edible contents over my pate and face in a baptism of cleansing viscosity. I’m no crack pot cult member, but I gotta tell ya, I was changed. My burning eyes wept as Chowsers teeth tore at my calf. Looking down while I kicked him off, from the depths of my rebooted being I uttered, “Yes, Chowsers. It’s the book!”

Seize Freedom! is a book about America – land that I love! – and the four big ass problems confronting us: the economy, terrorism, Chi-coms, and cultural decay. Talk about a four bagger of bummers.

But the Congressbum who wrote the book, Thaddeus McCotter, isn’t a total stiff. Sure, he plays guitar like he’s wearing boxing gloves and hangs out with known metrosexuals like Greg Gutfeld and the House GOP leadership. Still, McCotter’s got brain one enough to look into these four big ass problems and root out a solution! He’s convinced me America will stay atop the world stage struttin’ more erect than ever.

A passage I had tattooed (with a bald eagle) on the small of my back sums it up:

“Champions of freedom, we will ensure America remains our blessed land of liberty, inspired and guided by the virtuous genius of her free people; and eternally blessed by the unfathomable grace of God.”

Damn straight!

And that’s why Seize Freedom! changed my life – ‘cuz it gave me the guts to do it. It’s why Congressbum McCotter is my personal Seizer of Freedom guru; and it’s why I’m runnin’ for Michigan State Senate in 2011.

What about you, numby? Are you itchin’ to gird your loins for Old Glory? Are you ready to “Think Dink!” and Seize Freedom!

Why not!