While browsing the “Antiques” category on eBay today, I came across a most remarkable ad. I had to do a double-take at first but on second glance I saw it really was true. Someone is actually auctioning off Gloria Allred, famed so-called victims’ rights attorney, on eBay. Incredible.

Here’s the verbatim listing, taken directly from the online auctioneer’s website:

“Item: Sleaziest Lawyer in America

Current Bid: $2.50

Buy Her Now! price: $9.50

Condition: Slimy but still working

Item description:

Item is a 69-year-old American female attorney named Gloria Allred (nee Bloom), date of birth July 3, 1941. Item is a member of the California Bar Association. Item has a long and checkered history of inserting itself into high-profile or controversial cases (O.J. Simpson, Scott Peterson, Roman Polanski, Tiger Woods) and–as events of this past week demonstrate–even at current long-in-the-tooth stage, item has lost none of its effectiveness at cheap publicity stunts.

Item’s latest laughably diaphanous attempt to tilt California’s gubernatorial election to Jerry Brown only adds to item’s potential value. Furthermore, some legal authorities actually view item’s exposing its client Niki Diaz to near-certain imminent deportation as a feather in item’s cap–a new value-adding nadir in item’s never-ending quest for self-aggrandizement, even at the peril of its own client. Those same authorities suggest the California Bar Association may soon establish an Allred Award for lawyers who help victims of victims rights attorneys, those who prey on their malleable client-victims for their own political purposes.

Item clearly shows no signs of slowing down and buyer will no doubt get years of cheap, low-comedy entertainment out of item’s continual gyrations to get itself in front of a TV camera somewhere, anywhere. This is fun for the whole family, not just those interested in law or politics.

Shipping by UPS up to 150 lbs. California buyer pays 9% tax.

Note: Seller will pay all shipping costs. (I just want to get her off my hands as soon as possible and take a hot shower.)

On Oct-02-10 at 10:49:59 PDT, seller added the following information:

Recent catfight with Greta van Susteren on Fox’s On the Record program–in which item was terribly damaged by a run-in with the facts as presented by van Susteren–should not reflect on the overall condition of item. Item is extremely resilient and will no doubt emerge only re-emboldened and revivified by the publicity, good or bad, which is of course item’s main source of strength and purpose in life.”

That’s the listing exactly as I discovered it on eBay.

I just transferred $9.50 into my PayPal account. As soon as the funds clear, I’m putting in a bid at the Buy-Her-Now! price. I just pray that no one beats me to it. This is obviously a red-hot item. If I get it, I’m putting it right in between my pet boa constrictor and my autographed portrait of Richard Nixon.