After decades of fighting the Soviets, the Americans, and the current Karzai Afghan government, Mullah Omar has turned over a new leaf; at least according to this article. All along he’s just been a misunderstood guy who probably couldn’t pay his mortgage, right?

For those of you not familiar with Mullah Omar, he’s the founder of the Taliban, its spiritual leader, and Osama bin Laden’s BFF. When Afghanistan was ruled by the Taliban, Omar was the country’s titular head who oversaw the beatings of anyone who didn’t adhere to one of the “strictest interpretation[s] of Sharia law ever seen in the Muslim world,” the shooting of women in the head in front of packed soccer stadiums of cheering fans, and the destruction of 1700 year old Buddhist statues.

Suddenly this crafty recluse has abandoned his long, careful use of couriers, and now allows his statements to be put out directly by his former nemesis, the Afghan government. Maybe Karazi has even installed a red phone on his desk for Omar just like Glenn Beck! Isn’t that awesome? We don’t even need a “Can’t we all get along” moment. It’s already here!

And what’s even better is that Omar’s latest missive, the one where he’s preaching peace with the same government who put out the statement for him, comes right before President Karzai’s much ballyhooed peace jirga. Wow! What are the odds? The timing on this one couldn’t be better, could it?

Even cooler is that many of the Taliban players Karzai has tapped to attend the jirga will be getting paid! That’s even better than passing out doctor coats at a healthcare presser. After all, you can’t trade lab coats for guns, bullets, and roadside bomb making materials.

Everything is falling into place. To think, that someone would upset the applecart by suggesting that Mullah Omar actually wasn’t enthusiastically participating in this historic, unprecedented event. It sounds to me as if this is going to be like Woodstock, only with hummus!

Of course, for this narrative to work we’ll have to ignore a few things like those pesky internet reports of Mullah Omar actually being in Pakistani custody, his ditching his courier system for a snazzy new Karzai appointed spokesman, and the fact that the Taliban’s governing body, the Quetta Shura has been in utter disarray since right about the time he “allegedly” disappeared.

Now, some might let the fact that no one in the Quetta Shura has heard from Omar bother them. That same person might have a problem with the fact that a real power struggle has developed between two of Omar’s top made men: Mullha Mansour and Mullah Zakir. In fact, the host of other issues plaguing the Quetta Shura (that would normally be settled by Omar if he were actually around) could bring us down, but we’re not going to let that happen! Why spoil such a great narrative? After all, everyone loves peace right?

I know I do, especially when it comes tied up with such a nice little ribbon. Time to pass the hummus!