GOV2.0: Witold Skwierczynski Must Die

Many fine Republicans argue we should privatize Social Security. Just like George Bush – they are right. They are noble. They are dust. The last time we mentioned it, we found our ass booted around our neck. An obscene daisy. Ripe for the picking. Smelling like death.

Not me. I prefer to get in the mud, fight the weakest midget in the bar, and End Him. I will fight dirty. Because “defense of liberty demands extreme vice.” Or something.

Either way, we can always use a trick shot for 2010, and our trickiest shot is GOV2.0.

GOV2.0 loves the GOP.

If we were a boy band, GOV2.0 would throw her panties on stage. And if we sing her a power ballad and hold all the right notes… GOV2.0 will certainly bring her hot friend, “Private $$ Accounts”, back to our room for a threesome.

So pull on your spandex, Mike, and let’s go yodel in the valley.

The Social Security Administration has 64,000 employees, spread out over 1,600 local offices. In 2009, it handled 42MILLION in office visits, and fielded 57MILLION calls. Each customer makes one call and one office visit per year.

Yawn! The average McDonalds deals with 15X the number of customers an SSA office deals with daily… and they are open on holidays with a smile.

It’s a banking operation. 51MILLION recipients have $56BILLION distributed to them monthly. But by 2034, we’re adding 35M more elderly to the rolls.

As you can imagine, AFGE is licking its diseased lips at the thought of hiring more obese Democrat donors.

GOV2.0 hates unions. They give her the skeevies.

One fatted calf we can easily slaughter are Social Security teleservice jobs that pay more than 5x (including benefits) what other US call centers pay. We don’t need grandma calling Bangalore when her direct deposit doesn’t hit, but keeping the jobs here in the states doesn’t mean we can’t save big money modernizing the calling system.

Be sure… we can do it for peanuts, and create healthy part time jobs for stay-at-home moms in their jammies.

The kind of company we’d contract with is Live Ops. All their representatives work from home. They get paid per call. The average operator handles eight calls per hour for $1.57 per call. 80% are college educated. They are criminal and credit checked. And they are incentivized to kick ass because customers are surveyed after the call, and the best operators get more calls.

Or if you are a worthless sponge GS-7 in Alabama, we’ll pay you $54K a year PLUS:

Robust health benefit options, Federal retirement plan, 401K-style Thrift Saving Program, life insurance, and flexible spending accounts for medical and dependent expenses.

And let’s not forget the two mandated coffee breaks and lunch the union negotiated during GOV1.0. And these unionized call centers STILL provide the wrong information 25% of the time. And 58% of callers get a busy signal.

F that, man. Here are the lyrics to the GOP smash hit, “Fire Witold Skwierczynski, Union Boss, Grandma Killer.”

1. ALL Social Security payments will be direct deposit or debit card based, like food stamps, by 2012. 19% are still getting checks, and they are 20x more likely to to call in.
2. 50% of local Social Security offices will be closed by 2012. More to follow.
3. All seniors will have online accounts at a new SSA.GOV where they will be able to handle their accounts, schedule call-backs so they are no longer waiting on hold, chat with online operators, etc.
4. In office visits with a Social Security employee will be by appointment only, when the operator cannot handle the issue (almost never).
5. No new hires at SSA for calling centers.
6. New call volume will now be routed to private companies (like Live Ops). A service provider API will be published so multiple US companies can plug in and compete on a per-call basis. Best operators win.
7. Customer service will be provided by phone 24 hours per day, 7 days a week. Wait times under a minute, or we call you back.
   
   
8. Hires will be both part and full time contractors, work from home on their own schedules, and will sign Privacy Agreements. Violating them will be a felony.
9. After two years, we’ll audit the program and begin phasing out the GOV1.0 telemarketing centers.
10. Each state will operate one SSA office with a strong preference to well dispersed work-from-home “road warriors”, who will provide in-home service by appointment to the mere tens of thousands of recipients who have obscure cases. They will earn their pay.

This stuff isn’t complicated. Virtual call centers attached to web-based customer service systems are out-of-the-box technology that run on regular servers. That’s why we must outsource. If the government does it, we’ll end up with a $10BILLION unionized web site that takes coffee breaks.

Math check: let’s double the current call volume (100M) and double the cost per call ($3.00)… $300MILLION. With an M. When was the last time anything in government was priced in the millions?

More proof we do god’s work: 41% of SSA workers will retire by 2018.

The only real political downside is requiring the old to learn the new. Customers will first go online; second, go the phone; and only when the vastly improved GOV2.0 system cannot handle their very obscure and specialized problem, will they meet a public employee in person.

SSA needs to live by this mantra: keep it cheap, keep it “pretty good,” and make sure the money hits the account.

*To make my life easy, I’m grouping Disabled /Disability numbers into my napkin math. Adjudication on these cases is harder, but GOV2.0 has solutions here, too. We can be fair and fast. Selah.