By Barack Obama
It certainly was a holiday to remember. Since I’m President of the United States, I was able to choose anywhere in the world to spend a long, lazy couple of weeks. So, we got the 747 gassed up to head to Hawaii for the Holidays. When I learned Health Care Reform might be held up in the Senate on Christmas Eve, many felt nervous that the holiday kickoff would hit a snafu. Sure, it’s one of the most complicated and controversial bills in American history, but we had turkeys to baste and chestnuts to roast.
Great news, we cooked up a plan to slap a 10 percent tax on people who go to tanning beds — that ought to fix paying for all this! Plus, Senator Harry Reid ensured the democrats who were going to bail on the bill were handsomely paid off, so we quickly squeaked out a win on that sucker before anyone had a chance to read it! The partisan divide may now be bigger than ever, but I made it out of D.C. on time to head for some quality climate change — to the land where palm trees sway for some holiday island fun — Mele Kalikimaka!
I didn’t want to start focusing on the failing U.S. economy until 2010. So, while it was still 2009, I thought I’d stay in a rented $9 million oceanfront estate. No sense in cutting back now –my health care bill will likely lead to government takeover of one-sixth of the U.S. economy. If I’m going to behave like a king, might as well live like one.
Someone suggested attending church during Christmas as it is a celebration of the Savior’s birth. But I’m really just here to relax. Besides, I need to wake up early tomorrow– it’s Christmas Day and first item on my agenda is to work out at the gym! Churchgoing is for the other 80% of Americans, I still haven’t even found one to go to in Washington… but I’m looking really hard.
We decided to release 6 Guantanamo detainees back to Yemen — I really want to empty that place out. (The timing was perfect, seems everyone was focused on the holidays, so the press buried the story). I say, let’s send them back home, or bring them to America for trial — New York City preferably.
On Christmas morning, I did what most American dads do — I got up at 6:30 a.m. and headed for some body-sculpting.
Even though Michelle told the press she got me several things for Christmas, turns out we aren’t even exchanging any gifts… so, she was either making the whole thing up or taking back everything she bought for me. What’s more, she asked me in front of Oprah what I got her this year — I told Oprah I give “nicer stuff than I get” — but we left out the part about not getting each other anything at all. Nothing says Merry Christmas more than skipping out on church and no presents for your wife.
Oh, almost forgot. Some kid tried blowing up an airliner flying to Detroit on Christmas morning. Thankfully, I was able to wake up, get the workout in and return to breakfast in paradise before anyone told me. I didn’t bother commenting on it for a few days. That’s what I have a Director of Homeland Security for – right? Besides, even though the guy made it through several checkpoints and lit a bomb in the cabin, Secretary Napolitano assured everyone ‘the system worked.’ By ‘system,’ we mean that passengers who see a man lighting himself on fire should start screaming and grab a fire extinguisher. After all, I don’t even have a TSA director in place yet. I’m at the beach.
Speaking of the beach, my golf game at the fabulous Luana Hills Country Club was interrupted. A family friend’s son was injured while horsing around and I had to go check on him… was okay, but it gave us all a real scare… Phew! Reminds me I need to make an official comment on this airline bomber — oh well, back to the golf course.
Jeez! Back in the lower 48 they are all yammering about national security, I mean, you would think we were back in the stifling days of W. Any case, I issued a statement 6 days after the attempted attack – so they all need to get off my back. Okay, got a date at the Kailua Racquet Club.
Well, turns out, the attack was terrorists. From Yemen. Hope this doesn’t throw a wrench in shutting Guantanamo, half of everyone there is from Yemen. Any-hoo, we’ll look into it sometime when I get back from the beach. Take care and, like they say in Hawaii — a hui hou!
POST SCRIPT: Pres. Obama told reporters he “wasn’t ready” to return to DC. ABC News reported “The First Lady went so far as to try to rally the traveling staff and press to remain in Hawaii a bit longer. “Let’s stay!” she said “Are we all in? I’m trying to mount a coup here!”