ObamaHair

On October 12, 2008, then Presidential candidate Barack Obama made a campaign stop in a quiet suburban neighborhood in Toledo, Ohio. What was supposed to be an uneventful run of the mill “Grip and Grin,” turned into something quite the contrary. Our future President and the world were introduced to Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher: a proud American who unwittingly became the symbol of the “every man” trying to escape the far reaching arm of Big Government.

Joe the Plumber….a great American….A great bald American. I do not come from a critical place when I mention the state of Joe’s hair, or the lack thereof. In fact, despite the flowing mane of the anonymous avatar under which I post here today, I too, am a follicly challenged American….but not for long.

And this is where the press and the world missed the real story behind that fateful exchange in October of 2008.

As are most Americans, I am closely monitoring the status of S.1796 – America’s Healthy Future Act of 2009. When it comes to Healthcare everybody has a different horse in the race. For example, we have all heard the concerns that a government run healthcare system would potentially “Kill Grandma.” Now this is a legitimate beef, but being that my grandmothers are currently not alive, this is not at the forefront of my concerns. However, what did occur to me was that in the growing chorus of objections to the bill, nobody seemed to be concerned about “Grandpa.” Why? Why was Grandpa never mentioned? How come nobody was talking about killing him? Why does he get to live?

So I did a little research and got my hands on the 2000 plus page bill. In order to save time, I located the section that dealt specifically with seniors which was sandwiched in between the 500 billion dollar cut in Medicare and erectile dysfunction.

What I found was extraordinary: the Obama administration has discovered the cure for baldness, and it is a procedure so intricate that I had to create the accompanying video to help the layman understand. This procedure will be subsidized by tax payer dollars and offered to the 50% of men who suffer from this debilitating affliction.

And then it started to make sense. Grandpas were being spared….but not all of them. In the finest of fine print, a temporary reprieve would be granted only to maternalgrandfathers as they are the ones responsible for passing along the balding gene.

The reasoning was quite simple: this would allow grandsons the opportunity to forgive and the grandfathers an opportunity for redemption. Generational resentment in the area of hair loss will soon be a distant memory.

Note: under this provision, paternal grandfathers would not be granted a stay of any kind and would be subject to the same rationing determined by the nonexistent death panels and therefore for all intents and purposes, executed with extreme prejudice.

While many on the Right have been questioning the accomplishments of our President since his inauguration, and prior, it is now clear that we have misunderstood his agenda because we did not understand the true impact of his initial meeting with Mr.Wurzelbacher.

Our soon to be President was deeply moved, not by the plight of the small business owner, but by the plight of the bald. And for that, I applaud him.

So stop shaving your head and pretending you’re old school or that you’re keeping it real. You’re not. You’re bald…..but not for much longer. Your government is coming.