The United Nations announced that they have appointed an ambassador to handle the potential (inevitable?) contact with alien life forms. Should aliens land on planet Earth, they will be greeted by Mazian Othman, a Malaysian astrophysicist. The reaction to the news was swift, met with skepticism and mockery. Othman now denies that she has the position. But really, we all know that this is exactly the sort of thing the UN spends their time on, and any denials at this point are purely to curb the negative PR.
But this begs a larger question. Is this a good idea? Not having alien ambassadors, but leaving it up to the UN?
Movies, history and science are all in alignment on this one. If aliens do land here, the chances that they “come in peace” are not good. Stephen Hawking warned us earlier this year that we shouldn’t really welcome alien contact. Ask a Mayan or an Incan how interaction with technologically advanced foreign cultures plays out. Oh, wait, you can’t ask them because they got wiped out. Movies and television are also crystal clear on the subject. “Independence Day”, “V”, and “War of the Worlds” quite nicely document how “first contact” will most likely play out. Even the aliens in “Close Encounters” abducted thousands of people; not exactly a gesture of friendship. If it is, perhaps we have grossly misunderstood the actions of Mexican drug cartels. Maybe they’re just looking for friends? And what the hell was E.T. up to in the first place? Harmless scientific research, or military recon? Maybe Elliot and his friends were unwilling collaborators to an alien apocalypse? Perhaps the “phone home” included tactical targeting data for an interplanetary “Shock and Awe”.
The UN has a terrible record for dealing with this sort of thing. Even threats less dangerous to the global population than a single shot from the Death Star have been bobbled by these clowns. Iraq, Iran, North Korean, Darfur…the list goes on and on. These corrupt and soft bureaucrats are exactly the type of stooges who would think that an alien text called “To Serve Man” is some sort of spa guide. Or, more to the point and in keeping with their track record, the self serving autocrats would most likely sell out portions of their population in exchange for their own safety or greater power under Reptillian rule.
That’s not to say that our current administration would fare any better. Barack Obama would extend his “open hand” to the alien marauders, expecting a three fingered shake of friendship. Instead, his gesture would be met with a proton blast from a Lectroid death ray. If you need proof of that, just look at his record in dealing with terrestrial threats like Kim Jong-Il and Hugo Chavez. While he’s paying lip service before the UN and the media, Iran is accumulating nuclear weapons technology at alarming speeds. It is only a matter of time before he faces his own Cuban Missile Crisis when A-jad decides that in the interests of “medical research”, “self defense”, and “clean energy” he needs to park some warheads in Venezuela.
And sorry Hillary, there is no “reset” button when you are facing a brain wipe from Ming the Merciless.
As an alternative, I propose the following “alien ambassador” strategy. Our visitors will have certainly done their homework on our planet. Much of their intel will have come from intercepting our radio and television transmissions. Unfamiliar with our culture, they will be unable to distinguish between fact and fiction. Similarly, they won’t be able to detect the nuances of a biased media.
When the doors to the alien craft, situated on the White House lawn, slowly open they should be met by an international committee. Actors William Shatner, David Tennant, Christopher Lloyd, Peter Weller, Wil Smith, and Sigourney Weaver. Standing shoulder to shoulder with them should be Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin. And, we should toss in Ted Nugent for good measure.
The aliens will see that we sent Captain Kirk, The Doctor, Doc Brown, Buckaroo Bonzai, Ripley and whatever the hell Wil Smith’s character from “Independence Day” was called. They will also meet the two humans that, based on our media, are clearly the most evil villains to walk the Earth. Plus, the sight of Ted Nugent will tell these Xenomorph scum sucking tools that we mean business. They will understand that the only thing “killed and grilled” on that fateful day will be their slimy Venusian hides.
No group of people has a better track record of kicking alien ass then my crew. How many times have these people saved the planet? Plus, the inclusion of Doc Brown sends the message that even if they succeed, they are one Flux Capacitor away from us getting a do over. That should make them think twice about their plans to steal our water, eat us, turn us into batteries or use our women as incubators for their hideous spawn. Come to think of it, if they intercepted only MSNBC signals, Cheney and Palin may be the most terrifying to them. They may actual surrender at that point. All Sarah Palin has to say, M-16 in hand, is “you better come in peace, or you’re leaving in pieces”.
If my plan should fail, and we are forced to cut some deal with our potential insect overlords, I propose a simple compromise. We give them the entire op-ed department of the New York Times, the MSNBC prime time line-up, George Soros and Justin Bieber. Then, they leave and we don’t have to unload our boomsticks. They get some clearly disposable members of our society for their research or brunch, and we get “peace in our time”. That’s what we call a “win/win” people.
I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist, but you have to admit that there has been a lot of talk recently about aliens, UFOs, and “first contact”. If you read the forums over at abovetopsecret.com, you will see that many people think that the governments of the world are slowly preparing us for what they already know; that aliens are real and that they are coming or already here. If that is the case, we are woefully unprepared.
I’m not some fancy pants astrophysicist or foreign policy expert. I am a sci-fi movie geek and film director. I dare say this is my turf. When dealing with pod wielding, fleshy headed mutants who are you going to trust? I won’t take a nap next to the giant pea pod. If they look human, I’ll instantly suspect that they are wearing masks. I won’t think that the trash can looking robots are “cute” with their staccato British accents. And when the alien egg slowly opens up, I won’t lean over it to get a better look.
I know that “the truth is out there”. And it needs a beat down.
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