The Eurovision Song Contest, the most flamboyant attempt to prevent World War III ever conceived, will hold its annual Grand Final on Saturday in the most emotionally charged political atmosphere in recent memory.
The contest – seriously, actually established with the stated goal of uniting the continent in the aftermath of World War II – invites countries to send an act to perform an original song. A combination of general public opinion, gauged through a “televote,” and a panel of elite judges chooses the best song of the year. As the intended goal of the event is world peace, the European Broadcast Union (EBU) maintains a “no politics” rule: no political songs, no partisan slogans, nothing outside of the beauty of song.
The “no politics” rule is difficult to enforce in normal years. In 2024 – in the aftermath of the October 7 slaughter of 1,200 people in Israel by the jihadist terrorists of Hamas, when the EBU had the genius idea of holding an event described as a “Europe-wide gay parade” in Malmö, Sweden, notorious for its Islamist “no-go zones” – it is essentially impossible. And by far the biggest point of contention is Israel’s participation in the event, despite the fact that Israel is a longtime contestant and previous Eurovision winner.
The EBU has had to explain how bringing a Palestinian flag to the event is “political,” but a transgender flag is not, while at the same time condemning a Swedish-Palestinian performer for wearing his father’s keffiyeh on his arm. The area outside of the venue hosting the tournament has been teeming with radical pro-Hamas protesters all week, joined by celebrity activists such as Greta Thunberg. Malmö’s few remaining Jews have expressed fears for their safety and the Israeli government explicitly warned citizens not to attend the event.
And then there are the disputes actually about the songs. Sweden’s victory last year was highly controversial, as its sleepy ballad “Tattoo” lost the popular vote to the metal-techno anthem “Cha Cha Cha” – Finland’s entry – but the elite judges overruled the people’s favorite (as predicted by Breitbart News). The Finns are clearly still bitter about the loss, judging from how unhinged their 2024 submission is and what a rave reception “Cha Cha Cha”‘s performer, the rapper Käärijä, received on the Eurovision stage on Thursday. “Cha Cha Cha” also very obviously inspired some of the most popular 2024 submissions, essentially daring the judges to overrule the people’s will a second time.
This year’s crops feels like a rematch between Loreen, “Tattoo”‘s performer, and Käärijä, as so many countries took the opposite approach to, say, Croatia, and chose to submit a dramatic pop anthem performed by a mysterious woman with too many fans. And then there is Israel, attempting to stake a claim in an increasingly hostile environment with a song rewritten to not obviously be about October 7, but that remains pretty clearly about October 7.
Below, the best and worst of this year’s tournament – the songs you just can’t miss.
Will Win: Switzerland – Nemo, “The Code”
The hot new thing at Eurovision this year is “non-binary,” as the contest has already crowned drag queens and its organizers enthusiastically work to create a LGBTQIAP2S+-friendly environment (good luck selling that to the pro-Hamas mob in Malmö!). Nemo (they/them) is one of two overtly non-binary competitors in this year’s show, the other being Ireland’s pagan?/Wiccan?/satanist? metal shock-value entry, and his song is clearly about choosing to identify as non-binary. The judges will love it.
Outside of the politics, however, “The Code” is also just a great song, if you ignore the rapping. It has the dramatic James Bond theme flair that every Eurovision winner should have, Nemo’s vocals are impressive, and the imagery of the video is stunning. Presenting the path to becoming non-binary as a moving train that may crash at any given time is evocative of horror movies – the Korean masterpieces Train to Busan and Snowpiercer come to mind, but more on the Korean ifluence at this year’s Eurovision later – and maybe not necessarily sending the message Nemo was intending. Either way, a work of art politically aligned with the judges, who made very clear last year that they are in charge.
Should Win: Israel – Eden Golan, “Hurricane”
This is a risky choice for the “should win” category because Golan actually soared to second-place – from eighth! – in betting odds on Friday after her stunning performance in the semi-final on Thursday, just one spot above Nemo. That change also followed an accidental leak of the voting results in Italy on Thursday which showed Israel received a stunning 39 percent of the televotes, eclipsing the second-place act, the Netherlands, which received seven percent of the vote. Israel could very well win this thing.
“No politics” rule aside, Eurovision has a history of ballads about genocidal massacres winning the tournament and voters awarding the victory to a country facing unusual political strife. Ukraine, for example, has won at least twice immediately after getting invaded by Russia. But “Hurricane” is also a dramatic ballad that stands firmly on its own merits.
Golan is an extremely talented vocalist, and the consistency of her delivery is particularly commendable given she was heartily booed by Hamas sympathizers, cannot safely leave her hotel room due to the Islamist mob outside of the competition, and is competing among fellow performers who have supported the Hamas cause.
For moral reasons – to send a message against gang rape, baby slaughter, and mass abductions – and in recognition of the quality of the song and difficulty of the performance, Israel deserves the title.
Rest of the Best:
Finland – Windows96man, “No Rules!”
It is so refreshing to see someone try to break EBU rules that are not the “no politics” rule, including the ban on brand logos and the ban on nudity (which female performers often come just close enough to violating). This whole thing is, obviously, a mess – a middle finger to the EBU for robbing Käärijä last year. The denim even feels like an attempt to introduce American elements to Eurovision, the ultimate insult.
What makes this best for me is that research into Windows95man shows that his whole thing, whatever it is, it not a novelty act designed with Eurovision in mind. Teemu Keisteri has been doing this since at least 2016, DJing Finnish corporate parties in Daisy Dukes. There is almost a decade of commitment behind this act.
It’s a miracle that this made it to the final, and it speaks highly of the European people. Enjoy.
Greece – Marina Satti, “Zari”
There are two kinds of Eurovision entries: Eurovision-specific acts – the kind of songs that nobody remembers outside of the tournament, like “Tattoo” – and the songs that work as certifiable pop hits outside of the contest. The greatest pop classic to ever come from the contest is, of course, Abba’s “Waterloo,” which is celebrating the 50th anniversary of its victory. A more recent example is 2021 winner “Zitti e Buoni” by the rock band Måneskin, which became a massive international hit outside of Eurovision.
“Zari” is not the most original song in the world – it clearly emulates the style of the Spanish reggaetón singer Rosalía – but it is danceable, has extremely high production value, boasts a great vocal performance, and would not sound out of place on American Hispanic top 40 radio. It’s a great song and easy to keep on repeat for hours.
Armenia – Ladaniva, “Jako”
One of the biggest challenges of writing a song for Eurovision is creating a universally accessible work of art that is also unique and representative of the country it comes from. The traditional beats in “Jako,” the singing style, and the aesthetics and clothing in the video and performance make this proudly and loudly Armenian, but it has a call-and-response bit that anyone can sing to and the whole song feels like a party.
Sweden – Marcus & Martinus, “Unforgettable”
I have long argued that South Korea should be allowed to participate in Eurovision. South Korea is currently the world capital of dance-pop. The “Euro” part of Eurovision has been inching towards meaninglessness for years – Israel, Armenia, and Georgia are questionably “Euro” at best, and the facade of the event being solely European fell entirely when Australia was invited to compete in 2015. This year’s Swedish entry strengthens the argument for Korea.
This is Korean pop at its finest: the early 2000s American hip-hop video cheese grater backdrop, the high-energy electronic crooning, the timid heartthrob aesthetic of twins Marcus and Martinus. It is true that K-pop is heavily inspired by the West – you can hear Michael Jackson’s influence in almost every BTS song – but “Unforgettable” is proof that when if you gaze long enough into the abyss of Western pop culture, the abyss will start gazing back at you.
The song isn’t just good because it could be on a Big Bang album, however – it stands on its own merits as a fun, danceable, forget-your-worries anthem. And Eurovision this year could definitely use a moment to forget its worries.
The Worst of the Worst
Ireland – Bambie Thug, “Doomsday Blue”
Would you believe Ireland, alongside Sweden, has won more Eurovisions than any other country? It hasn’t happened since 1996, and the modern history of Ireland is, to put it mildly, an atrocity: this turkey thing that Ireland fans tried to later claim was an intentional joke, not one but TWO appearances by Jedward, and now this: an extremely boring and unlistenable Wiccan/Satanic/generic occult LGBTQIA2S+ display. It’s unlistenable because it has no recognizable tune in it, and it’s boring because Marilyn Manson’s heyday was 30 years ago. It’s 2024, nobody cares if you want to cast spells with your girlfriends in the woods or whatever.
Croatia – Baby Lasagna, “Rim Tim Tagi Dim”
I’m going to get a lot of hate for this but “Rim Tim Tagi Dim” – bettors’ top pick to win – is… not good. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a lazy or sloppy entry. The meteoric rise in the betting odds for Croatia is by all accounts the product of Baby Lasagna dramatically improving his vocals and showmanship in the last month, which is commendable. But the song is terrible. The basic melody is annoying and the try-too-hard weird lyrics (“meow cat/please meow back”) just don’t land.
There are only two reasons why this song is getting so much love: Baby Lasagna is extremely handsome and the song vaguely resembles the people’s winner of the 2023 contest, Finland’s “Cha Cha Cha.” But “Cha Cha Cha” worked because it was, in its day, original, and the lyrics, mostly in Finnish, were great: the relatable struggle of an exhausted introvert trying to have fun at a bar at the end of a week and becoming an entirely new person after a few piña coladas. “Rim Tim Tagi Dim” is trying to be a rallying cry for young men stuck in stagnating economies but, after last year, just comes off as a worse version of “Cha Cha Cha.”
France – Slimane, “Mon Amour”
This entry has the opposite problem of “Rim Tim Tagi Dim” – it’s trying entirely too hard to be “classy,” and Eurovision is not a platform for “classy.” France is trying to be above-it-all with the blandest love song possible and no one will remember this a week from now.
Netherlands – Joost Klein, “Europapa”
I want to like it, but this is so awful. It’s just so bad.
The attempt to write a song about being proud to be European is at least original in a contest where most countries either send in love songs or veiled attempts at political propaganda that then has to get edited to comply with the “no politics” rule. But this is, quite simply, a techno song from 1995 with a Dutch guy rapping about the convenience of belonging to the Schengen Area over it.
This man also admits to not knowing what a paella is. And then they have the nerve to say Americans are uncultured.
Latvia – Dons, “Hollow”
I’m very happy for Latvia that they qualified for the final, as it had been quite a few years. But this song is such a misreading of the room. Creepy, depressing, a cry for help. This isn’t the venue for this!
Croatia fans can send angry messages to Frances Martel on Facebook and Twitter.
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