Pint-size comedy character John Bercow has announced that he plans to use his position as Speaker of the House of Commons to stop Brexit happening.

Good luck with that one, Grumpy.

Bercow’s plan is, of course, doomed to fail. Just like all the various Brexit-thwarting legal actions pursued by his fellow Remoaners Gina Miller and Jolyon (‘We all know what the C stands for’) Maugham QC were doomed to fail. Just like the all-white-female government of “national unity” proposed by Remoaner Caroline Lucas was doomed to fail. Just like every plan to derail Brexit ever cooked up by the losers who lost the Referendum was doomed to fail…

Britain is leaving the EU on 31st October. And there’s almost certainly nothing that Bercow or any of his fellow Remain-o-Loons can do at this point to stop it.

So why does Bercow still delude himself that he can?

Because, like all hardcore Remainers, Bercow is afflicted with a severe case of Brexit Derangement Syndrome. Like a toddler who has had his favourite toy (likely a Captain Euro doll) snatched away, he is angry, thwarted, vengeful — and quite unhinged with impotent rage.

He is — if you prefer — having his Downfall moment. There he is, in his bunker, plotting how to manoeuvre his imaginary armies ready for the devastating counterattack which will rout the enemy once and for all. And no one has the heart to tell him that those armies don’t exist any more. It’s no longer a question of “if” his side is going to lose; nor for that matter is it a question of “when”. We know exactly when the bitter forces of Remoanerdom are going to be defeated and defeated utterly.

One more time: October 31st. Halloween. Independence Day.

The chief architect of Bercow’s defeat is the brilliant strategist Dominic Cummings. Cummings has been wargaming various scenarios as Brexit D-Day approaches. He has reportedly asked special advisors to come up with suggestions as to the worst things that could possibly go wrong so that the government can be ready for every eventuality.

What I bet no-one has thought of — so let me put it forward now by way of service to the nation — is how on earth we are going to rehabilitate people like John Bercow. And Andrew Adonis. And Professor AC Wailing, Gary Lineker, JK Rowling, Anna Soubry, James O’Brien, Matthew Parris. And all those other people for whom Brexit Day will feel quite literally like the end of the world.

According to a brilliant article I read in the Guardian — not a phrase you’ll often hear me use, but seriously, this piece is a model of proper, decent, old-school journalism — there may be in excess of 15,000 of these people, wandering Britain like lost souls.

They will, I’m sure, make a piteous spectacle on and after Independence Day. It will be a bit like Britain after the Great War, with all those shell-shock victims stumblingly listlessly around the streets, pitiful husks of the men they used to be. And the tragedy is that there may be nothing that can be done to save them. If you’ve put every fibre of your being into resisting Brexit — to the point where being anti-Brexit becomes your defining quality — then clearly, when Brexit happens it will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Lest you think I’m exaggerating, I really do urge you to read this Guardian piece by Daniel Cohen. It tells the sad story of the hardest of hardcore Remainer hold-outs — all those people on Twitter who put #FBPE (it stands for ‘Follow Back Pro EU’) next to their names, to indicate just how fanatically anti-Brexit they are.

Cohen writes:

They used to pride themselves on their moderation; now, spurred on by rage, they divide the world into enemies and allies. What they are doing is loud, obsessive, tribal, confrontational – politics, in other words.

I can certainly vouch for the “loud, obsessive, tribal, confrontational” part. Like most sensible Twitter users I now instantly block anyone who creeps into my timeline with the letters #FBPE after their name because their tone is so relentlessly negative, aggressive and unpleasant.

As Cohen goes on to point out:

There is an antagonistic strain in remainism that is just as important as this idealism. “Europeanism has always been more anti-Eurosceptic than pro-European,” says Robert Saunders, a historian at Queen Mary University of London. And what fuels remainists, three years into the Brexit process, is anger. They hate the people you’d expect them to hate: Johnson, Farage, Jacob Rees-Mogg, “Andrea Loathsome”, to use one of their schoolboyish nicknames. They hate them for their lies, and their “cakeism”, the Johnsonian insistence that we really can have our cake and eat it: that Britain could leave the single market, say, without losing any of the benefits of being part of it.

Nailed it. I have never yet — either before the EU Referendum or since — heard a Remainer present a single convincing argument as to why Britain should remain a part of the corrupt, sclerotic, anti-democratic, costly, burdensome EU superstate. It’s not that they love the EU, you get the strong impression, so much as that they hate the people opposed to it.

Even though I’m hoping for No Deal Brexit, I recognise that of course there may be one or two unfortunate side-effects. One of them is that all those bitter Remoaners — programmed to react to No Deal like vampires to holy water — could become quite dangerous as they hurl their toys out of their collective pram. This is why I think Dominic Cummings and his team need to start planning for this likely eventuality NOW.

The good news is that if Britain does get No Deal Brexit, it will keep the £39 billion (per annum) it would otherwise have given — gratis — to the European Union.

You can buy quite a lot of sedatives, straight jackets, and padded cells with that kind of money. And the way people like Bercow and co are talking, I suspect we’re going to need every one of them.

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