When Rio Ferdinand accused Andy Grey and Richard Keys of having “pre-historic” views on gender equality, as well as contributing to their firing, apparently he was also setting a standard for future, pre-historic reference.

The main takeaway from this summer’s blockbuster “Jurassic World” is evidently it’s regressive views on gender, at least according to the Guardian. No. Sorry. James Delingpole has already dealt with that, I meant at least according to the Telegraph.

Yes, the newspaper formerly known as the ‘Torygraph’ is re-branding itself as a progressive critique of our hetero-dominated patriarchy in which our largest cinematic events only include several female characters, rather than only female characters, with possibly none of them being black, or even pretending to be black.

That’s ok because we are told by the Telegraph that “[Colin] Treverrow has assembled an impressively multicultural cast” (thank God!), but that this “only serves to highlight the extreme lameness of the few women characters.”

Jurassic Park nerds will recall that all of the dinosaurs are female to prevent them from breeding (“clever girl“) – surely that must balance out the gender gap a bit? Not so, as “pretty much all of them get blasted with guns by men.” Bastards.

Furthermore we are reminded by the Telegraph of the continued and blatant disregard for health and safety in the franchise.

“This is not the Victorian era, gentlemen. In order for Jurassic World to exist it must have safety protocols”, and that the lack of involvement of PETA allows for flagrant abuse of the dinosaurs.

When the first Jurassic Park film came out in 1994, I was just 10 years old. And it changed my life.

Figures like Dennis Nedry, Ian Malcolm and Robert Muldoon (played by the sadly deceased and underrated Brit Bob Peck) became allegories for all the characters I had met or would meet. I visited the Park countless times in my dreams and spent hours puzzling over the exact nature of the “Lysine Contingency”.

I recently watched it with my girlfriend, quoting every line before it was spoken, no doubt to her utter admiration.

When I sat down to watch Jurassic World last night in a packed Madrid cinema (In 3D – no expense spared), before the refrain of a few bars of the soundtrack silenced the crowd, there was excited chatter in the audience “I hear Jeff Goldblum makes an appearance”, “the special effects are supposed to be awesome”, “it’s not all CGI – apparently they used animatronics too”.

Amazingly, I didn’t hear anyone say “I hope the gender pay-gap is exhaustively covered” or “This better be narrated by Germaine Greer”. It’s strange because I’m in Spain too, and foreigners are automatically hip and progressive, unlike us repressed Brits who mindlessly just want to watch a film without demanding it makes a stand for “progressive values”.

This may be because the majority of people worldwide will go to see Jurassic World because they still have some feint hope the franchise will return to the glory of the original, but essentially because they want to be entertained. To that end, genuine entertainment cuts through the bulls**t of the progressive agenda, as it requires products to be entertaining much more than it requires them to be politically correct.

The Telegraph used to require it’s comment pieces to be conservative, or at least carry some semblance of common sense. I can’t imagine any long-standing subscriber to the paper sitting down to read a feminist/health and safety critique of the latest Hollywood blockbuster with anything other than disgust and sorrow that yet another great British institution has joined the ranks of the long march towards socialism.

It may come as no surprise as the Telegraph’s new hire as “Assistant Comment Editor” is formerly of the Huffington Post. He used to ask to attend Bow Group events, which we would always welcome him to, and then write them up as if he’d snuck in unnoticed to secretly witness the vast clandestine right-wing conspiracy in action (read him here comparing Nigel Farage to Darth Vader).

I have spoken to a number of the paper’s columnists in recent months, several of whom have been writing there for longer than I have been alive. Some have already left, some are deeply concerned at the marked change in direction.

If Jurassic World does actually carry any cultural sub-narrative at all, it’s that you mess around with the DNA of our heritage and great institutions at your peril.

Ben Harris-Quinney is Chairman of the Bow Group and the President of Conservatives Abroad Madrid. He tweets @B_HQ