Dear Russell Brand: I've Got That Firework You Wanted, Mate. Where Should I Send It?

It’s tough being an anarchic, anti-free market revolutionary. Not only do you have to give all your money away to good causes to stay true to your principles and avoid allegations that you’re a repulsive bloody hypocrite, you also have to make some pretty brassy claims to get attention in the face of the sprawling right-wing capitalist conspiracy you’re dedicated to dismantling.

So spare a thought for poor Russell Brand, who said that if the Tories got a majority he would stick a firework up his bottom and light it. Because Brand, after having of course given away the profits from his books, tours, DVDs and trademarked “REVOLUTION” merchandise, must be searching down the back of the sofa to see if he can somehow club together £40 for a decent firecracker to make good on his promise.

Not to worry, Russell. Here at Breitbart we’ve done a whip-round and I’m delighted to inform you that this 8-oack of “Trail Blazer” Firework Rockets for Weddings, Birthdays and Family Celebrations is waiting for you. All you need to do is drop us a line with your trendy Hoxton address (must be a mate’s place, right?) and we’ll despatch it right away.

We look forward to seeing you squealing and scorched on The Trews any day now. Your fans would hate to think all that posturing, preening and grandstanding was for nothing. After all, it’s not like you’ve got form when it comes to shoddy and humiliating u-turns, is it?

Oh, and to those wondering about the spectacle to come: here’s a clip from a US TV show of a similarly idiotic attention-seeker trying the same thing.  So, come on then, Russell. It’s squeaky bum time!