Caring George Monbiot Wants Us To Talk About The Really Big Issues. Like Dirt.

There are issues that really matter at this election. But, thanks to collusion between the political parties, aided and abetted by the corporatist media (and BBC) designed to keep the toiling workers uninformed, we’ll never get to hear about them.

Thankfully, the Guardian’s climate columnist George Monbiot is prepared to break the wall of silence and raise the big issues of the day. Issues like “the horrifying rate of soil loss”, and the shocking continued existence of the Corporation of the City of London, over which the parties have “tacitly agreed to carry on as before”.

Or worse, the need to work for a living. “Who is prepared to wonder aloud what all this striving and punishment is for?” George cries out in anguish.

Yet reading through his comprehensive list, it is hard to shake the feeling that some really crucial issues have been mysteriously glossed over. Here are a few suggestions:

1. The humiliating problem of discarded dental floss. What to do with those smelly scraps of string? Throwing them into the bathroom bin simply isn’t a solution as they stick to the bottom, causing whoever is cleaning it out that week (God forbid it’s your partner or housemate’s turn) to have to pick them off. Why has no party promised specialised recyclable cardboard mini-bins to be handed out by all local councils? Clearly a trick missed.
2. Cheap digestive biscuits which drop into your tea en route to your mouth. Slowly, your tea turns into a sweetened sludge. A very British problem, perhaps, but with UKIP putting patriotism back on the agenda, it’s surprising that no party has thought to pledge a very British ban on sub-par digestives.
3. Supermarket car parking spaces being just that bit too narrow. Sure you can park your car, but can you get out of it? Presumably not on the agenda because elitist politicians and media types all cycle to the People’s Supermarket instead. Or get Ocado to deliver.
4. Potholes! We know this is a major issue because it’s the only one ever talked about at the local level. Yet, somehow, it has failed to rise up the agenda, thanks presumably to a bourgeoisie determined to see the proud working man stumble and fall at every opportunity.
5. TVs that don’t work without a remote control. Clearly an attempt by the capitalist electronics firms to tie workers into buying spare remote controls, in case the lost one turns out not to be down the back of the sofa after all. The political classes’ failure to even discuss this most classic of capitalist ruses proves their corporatist credentials.

“After this election, we need to think again; to find new means of pushing neglected issues on to the political agenda,” George offers. Breitbart London couldn’t agree more.