Wednesday’s Liberal Democrat campaign launch was a little bit of a disaster. OK, it was a big disaster. We run through the Top Ten problems with the proceedings:
10 – Warehouse Venue: There is nothing less cool than trying to ‘hang with the kids’ when you are a middle aged politician. The trendy industrial chic venue in Battersea looked about as good on Nick Clegg as skinny jeans on Jeremy Clarkson.
9 – How They Made The Venue Worse: The Lib Dems decorated the venue with images of Nick Clegg and “conceptual art” on the walls. Were they building a Shoreditch nightclub or launching a programme for government?
8 – Ropey Policies: No Liberal Democrat manifesto launch would be complete without some crazed policies. There were loads of bad ideas but perhaps the most amusing was “reduce the risks of a return to the economics of boom and bust”. Where have we heard that before?
7 – Someone Put A Quid In the Meter: Just at the moment when Clegg was going to tell us all about how his green energy policies will change the world, the power failed.
6 – They Kept Digging: Despite the power failing the party still called for zero carbon energy production by 2050, a policy critics say will lead to more… er… power cuts.
5 – Journalists Not Allowed to Ask Questions: There are three guaranteed ways to annoy every senior journalist in the country. First do not allow journalists to ask questions, second replace their questions with plants from party stooges and third give the FT the only exception.
4 – Take Question From Man Who Made Gay Porn Film: Whilst Her Majesty’s Press Lobby was not good enough to ask questions, the Lib Dem candidate for Vauxhall was on the front row and called first. He has already admitted to taking an “a to z of drugs”, making a gay porn film and deliberately infected himself with HIV.
3 – Congratulate the Porn Guy: Clegg began the answer by congratulating him on his bravery for admitting all of his past behaviour. Others may have wondered whether the porn guy was fit for public office.
2 – Political Prostitution: The most memorable moment of the launch was when Clegg told us Lib Dems will add heart to Tories and brain to Labour… Unfortunately it also highlighted that the Lib Dems would do a deal with anyone to stay in power.
1 – Nick Clegg Himself: Everyone feels a little dirty after being talked down to by this holier-than-though head boy type. How can he talk about fairness when he is a convicted arsonist and spent years helping abolish our democracy at the European Union? On the plus side the power failure cut his mic.
EXTRA: Just in case today was not enough to satisfy your desire to listen to sanctimony, here is a bit more Nick Clegg, enjoy: