Why Kim Kardashian's Bottom is So Implausibly Huge

Like me, reality television star Kim Kardashian has a big bottom. In fact it’s a gigantic—though very shapely—derrière. It’s kind of a thing. It’s so big that she can apparently balance a coupe on it, if photographs for Paper magazine earlier this week are to be believed. 

But what you might not know is that, despite the colossal circumference of her rear orbs, reports about Kardashian’s “butt implants” are almost certainly wrong.

Here’s what she says about it: “Everyone now says I have a fake butt or butt implant. I’m Armenian; you should see all the women in my family. The women have bigger breasts and bigger butts. That’s how I was born. I can’t help it. I’m not gonna fight it. I definitely need to work out more and tone up, but I’m proud of my body.”

And I believe her. How do I know? Because I’m Greek, and I have a big bum for exactly the same reason she does. It’s common knowledge among eastern and southern Europeans that there’s a whole ring of Baltic and Mediterranean countries, from Armenia, through the Ukraine and back down into Greece, where women in particular often have big breasts and even bigger booties. Some men do too. I’m one of them. 

This may explain why so many women from these countries end up with African, and sometimes South Asian, men, who invariably appreciate roomy behinds. Practically every woman in my family who didn’t marry a Greek is now with a black dude. 

Kim’s headline-making fashion shoot pays homage to an earlier, iconic photograph featuring a black woman with precisely that anatomical characteristic. Photographer Jean-Paul Goude was riffing for Paper magazine on his 1976 photo, “Carolina Beaumont, New York,” otherwise known as “The Champagne Incident.”

“Trapped inside every white girl is a strong black woman waiting to bust out,” says one of the presenters of the Lifetime makeover show Girlfriend Intervention, before stripping away her caucasian victim’s unflattering cardigan and Ugg boots and dolling her up in a backcombed wig, a sequinned dress spray-painted to her tush and vertiginous, sparkly heels. Black sexuality is always in vogue, but particularly so, it seems, at the moment, which is perhaps why Goude chose to recreate his famous shoot now. 

We’ll set aside for another day the question of what would happen if the race roles were reversed in Lifetime’s show. What the existence of Girlfriend Intervention demonstrates is that garish (or fierce, as per your tastes) black fashion, and curvy black body types, are all the rage at the moment—good news for those of us with generous heinies. 

It’s always nice to know that something you can’t change about yourself is once again in fashion. So, if you too have a bubble butt like Serena Williams, a hefty ass like Beyoncé, a veritable coastal shelf like Nicki Minaj or simply a run-of-the-mill capacious rear end like me and Kim, rejoice! Your biggest asset just got even bigger. 

If, by the way, you’re still wondering whether those Kim K photographs can possibly be entirely real, the answer is: not quite. Goude uses multiple shots of the same model and skilfully blends them together to create what he calls “credible illusions.” In other words, Kim Kardashian probably can’t balance a champagne glass on her ass while pouring into it over her own head. Who knew.