Wil Wheaton freaked out like a little girl after Larry David “assaulted” Elmo on February 1 on the Today Show.
What’s so unique and extra special about the 51-year-old Wheaton’s cry-bully meltdown is that if I spent a year attempting to craft the perfect satire targeting neurotic, narcissistic, bossy, joyless, all-about-me, Nancyboys like Wheaton, I never could have crafted something this perfect…
“So I heard about Larry David assaulting Elmo on life television,” Wheaton shrieked on Facebook, “but didn’t watch it until now because I knew it would upset me.”
More:
Full disclosure: all the time, when I was growing up, my dad would grab me by the shoulders and shake me while he screamed in my face. He choked me more than once. He was always out of control, always in a furious rage, and always terrifying. I’m a 51 year-old man and my heart is pounding right now, recalling how I felt when I was a little boy who loved Grover the way today’s kids love Elmo.
So this appalling, unforgivable, despicable act hits more than one raw nerve for me, and I’m going to say what I wish I’d been able to say when this sort of thing happened to me.
Wheaton’s post goes on and on like that for more than EIGHT HUNDRED words.
Remember all those notebooks Kevin Spacey’s killer in Se7en kept? Now we know what was in them.
Here are some of my favorite parts…
“You couldn’t stand that a puppet brought people together in a meaningful way that you can’t?”
“…to stop him from expressing violence towards a children’s puppet WHO WAS THERE TO TALK ABOUT HOW HIS LOVE AND EMPATHY FOR PEOPLE HAVING A TOUGH TIME MATTERED AND MADE A DIFFERENCE.”
“I hope that, when the dust settles, Larry David’s appalling behavior will be a footnote to a larger story about how, for just one day, a Muppet made a difference[.]”
I know, I know… Trust me, we’re all thinking the same thing: Can you believe they put this asshole on the bridge of the Enterprise?
And I haven’t even gotten to the good part…
Because there are still some Great Americans out there, the little girl Wheaton received some well-deserved mockery in the Facebook comments. His response…? A thing of pure beauty…
A lot of us who had the same visceral reaction to a grown man putting his hands on a child (Elmo is 4 years old) in anger, without consent, and then laughing about it all share an experience that you should be grateful you don’t share with us. And when you say your shitty little toxic and cruel thing, when you reduce the whole thing to a puppet and a joke, you’re doing to us what the adults around us did when we were kids. And it hurts all over again. [emphasis added]
Without consent.
How does humanity fall this low? How did our culture devolve to a point where a 51-year-old man not only freaks out over a joke and not only publicly freaks out over that joke but believes this freak out makes him some sort of white knight for all the “traumatized” kids out there?
Poor Wil Wheaton. What a miserable human being he must be. Skin as thin as rice paper. No sense of humor. Always on the lookout to be offended so he can preen his superiority. No wonder he’s still working through his childhood “trauma.” He’s way too self-involved to move on with this life. He can’t laugh. His whole identity is his victimhood. That is a wretched way to live, believe me.
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